How to Resolve Conflict

I recently read in Tim & Joy Downs book Fighting Fair and in Gary Chapman's book Everybody Wins some of the best conflict resolution advice I've ever heard. It was given in regards to resolving marital conflict, but I think the principles apply to any kind of conflict. 

From reading the two books I've learned...

1. Listening leads to understanding. 

2. Understanding leads to resolution. 

3. Resolution leads to harmony and peace. 

As we practice James 1:19 (be quick to listen and slow to speak) we begin to understand. To understand each other is the objective in conflict (I Peter 3:7). Once both parties understand what the other is thinking and feeling, this creates an emotional atmosphere condusive to resolving conflict. Just as neglect of the relationship creates an atmosphere where storms brew and lighting strikes, so an atmosphere of understanding creates an environment where conflicts can be resolved. Once the conflict has been resolved, peace and harmony can be restored to the relationship, which pleases God (Romans 12:16, 18). 

Why Ask "Why?"

In John Maxwell's book Developing the Leader Within You, we learn the importance of asking the question "Why?" within our organizations.

The British have always been good with the patronage system. John F. Barker in Roll Call tells the story that for more than twenty years, for no apparent reason, an attendant stood the foot of the stairway leading to the House of Commons. At last someone checked adn discovered that the job had been held in the attendant's family for three generations. It seems it originated when the stairs were painted and the current attendant's grandfather was assigned the tastk of warning people not to step on the wet paint. One British newsman, told of the situation, commented, "The paint dried up but not the job."

Delegation

Why is delegation an important topic to learn about? Because effective delegation: increases job performance, relieves job burnout, decreases workloads, builds teamwork, alleviates stress, allows you to get more done, etc.

I just finished a great little book called If You Want It Done Right, You Don't Have to Do It Yourself! by Donna M. Genett, Ph.D. Here's a summary of what I've learned.

1. Effective delegation requires advanced preparation. BEFORE you meet with someone to delegate responsibilities you must think through 1) what you want done, 2) how you want it done, 3) when you want it done, 4) as well as what authority you're willing to give to the person doing the assignment

2. Then you must clearly define and describe each task you delegate to your staff. You need to be specific and ask for the instructions to be repeated back to ensure he/she fully understands what is expected.

3. Then you need to clearly define the time frame within which the task must be completed. Your staff can't turn something in "late" if YOU never gave them a deadline.

4. Next, you must define the level of authority your staff has to complete the task. Do they have the authority to only recommend what should be done (i.e. research options and propose the best alternative)? Do they have the authority to inform and initiate (i.e. research and select the best course of action; inform me why it is best; and then initiate the selection)? Or do they have the authority to act (i.e. full authority to act with respect to the task or project)? Your staff can't step outside the bounds of their authority if you haven't explained the boundaries to them.

5. When a task or project becomes larger and more complex, it's important to build in checkpoints. They help you make sure things are going in the right direction. The checkpoints should be close together in the beginning of the project. Later, after the person demonstrates competence and shows he or she is headed down the right track, the checkpoints can be spaced further apart. That way, you don't let a lot of time go by during which the project is invisible to you. If things get off track, you can catch them before they get serious.

6. Conclude the delegation process with a debriefing session to discuss: 1) what went well, 2) what could have been improved, and 3) what has been learned. Both the delegator and the delgatee should share their answers to these questions.

Note: these points can be applied upward, when receiving a project, as well as downward, when delegating one. If you aren't given clear instructions on a project your boss delegates to you - go ahead and ask for 1) the desired results for the project, 2) the time frame for completion, 3) your level of authority, and 4) when you'll meet along the way to make sure you're on track.

Big Rocks Go In First

Let me share a great story with you that I keep in mind when scheduling my week.

An expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz" and he pulled out a one-gallon, mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. He also produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class yelled, "Yes."

The time management expert replied, "Really?"

He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. He dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. He then asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?"

By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered.

"Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!"

"No," the speaker replied, that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all.

What are the 'big rocks' in your life -- time with your loved ones, your faith, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all." So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life? Then, put those in your jar first. "

Roots and Foundations

As a tree gets bigger above ground, it's roots must go deeper underground. I'm no expert on trees but it makes sense to me that the roots must first go deeper underground before the tree can grow bigger above ground. The roots going deeper underground is preparation for the growth about to take place above ground.

In the same way, before the building is built above ground, the foundation must first be laid below ground. The foundation below ground is preparation for the growth about to take place above ground .

As it relates to New Day, we have been working really hard to develop deep roots underground in preparation for the above ground growth. We've been working on structuring each department (children's department, worship arts department, growth group department, etc). We've been getting organized and structured. And I've watched with my own two eyes that as we've developed deep organizational roots underground our church has been able to support more growth above ground. And if we're going to continue to grow, we've got to continue to deepen our roots and our foundation.

As it turns out: The only way to go up is to go down!

We Make Disciples

I found myself a little perplexed recently when I was challenged to explain to someone what “business I was in” and “what product our business delivered” (referring to New Day Church). What a great question (one that I didn’t have a CLEAR and CONCISE answer to until now).

A while back I saw a semi-truck on the highway. It had the company name and slogan on the side of the truck. The name of the company was RYDER and the slogan was TRUCK RENTAL & LEASING. Pretty straight forward. Then I passed a PAPA JOHN’S and underneath the name it simply said PIZZA. Not too creative, but very clear. Examples like these got me thinking...If I was to boil it all down and explain to someone in business terms what our church is all about, what would our “catch phrase” or “slogan” be? I heard something recently that helped me boil it all down. Check it out:

New Day Church is in the disciple development business and our product is Christlike people.

That’s what we’re all about. Biblically, that’s what business EVERY church is in (whether they realize it or not) and that’s the product every church should be striving to deliver (even if they aren’t).

We are to MAKE disciples (help them get saved).

We are to MARK disciples (help them identify with the body of Jesus through water baptism)

We are to MATURE disciples (help them grow spiritually)

And the result of making disciples is changed lives.

Recruiting Volunteers

I read an article by Nelson Searcy and the following is a mix of that article and my own comments...As you dream big dreams, cast big visions and strive for big goals, it becomes necessary to have others join you. Smart leaders invite others to join them by following these five steps: invest, engage, invite, empower, and insure.

The consequences of not asking for help, far outweigh the risk of rejection. Your rejection rate can be reduced by following this process of invitation:

1. Invest: those you have invested in are the ones most likely to join you in achieving your goals.

• Many people have faced rejection because they invited before they invested.
• If you are not consciously investing in people around you today, you will have difficulty finding people to join you tomorrow.
• Make sure you invest in someone relationally (i.e. take them out to eat or have them over, spend six weeks building relationship) before you ask them to join your cause

2. Engage: when looking for someone to join you in a project, ask "Does what I'm doing engage this person on an emotional level?"

• An invitation that ignites the passions of the other person is sure to be accepted.
• Regardless of what we’re asking a person to help with specifically, we are ultimately asking them to help us fulfill our mission of leading people to become mature followers of Jesus. Not everyone will get excited over being asked to help with set up, tear down, nursery, etc. but everyone should be able to get excited that ultimately they are helping others come to faith in Jesus. And THAT is what we need to sell people on.

3. Invite: share your vision, explain what part the person will play in that vision, and ask for a specific commitment for a specific period of time

• General invitations give mediocre results
• You must know what you want, believe it is worthy, believe you can get it, be passionate about it, and be perceived as determined to get it
• After doing the first two steps, don’t fail to actually ASK

4. Empower: once an invitation has been accepted you must empower the person to do his/her part

• You must clearly define what a “win” is for the new recruit and then let them run with it
• The “win” should be written out and clearly explained

5. Insure: do not relinquish the right to follow up with your new recruit

• Remember, that which gets measured gets done
• Remember, people do what you inspect, not what you expect
• You must follow up to insure that the desired results are being achieved
• You must give feedback and instruction when desired results are not being achieved

Your ability to successfully invite others to join you may be the biggest measure of your leadership potential. Choosing to go it alone is a certain formula for failure, but partnering together with like-minded people brings success.

What Your Church Volunteers Need

1. They need to know they are making a difference in peoples lives.

Your volunteers aren't just doing a task you've asked them to...They are helping lead people to Jesus and ultimately making the world a better place! The last time you asked someone to volunteer/serve at your church, did they get the impression that if they said yes they'd be helping lead people to Jesus and change their world for the good? If not, you're not doing your job as a leader.

2. They need to know they are a part of something bigger than themselves.

When someone says yes to serving they are agreeing to partner with God in impacting the world for the kingdom of God. That's BIG! And people want to be a part of something bigger than themselves.

3. They need to see in their mind's eye what the future COULD be if they get involved.

We've got to cast vision to our volunteers. Vision is a picture of what the future could be and should be. You've got to paint a picture of what the future COULD look like if the person steps up to the plate and uses their time and energy for the purposes of God.

4. They need to be asked by a leader that's excited about what he/she is doing.

No one wants to say yes to a passion-less request. If you aren't 100% sold on what you're doing and what you're inviting others to get involved with, they are NOT going to respond positively. On the other hand - if YOU are passionate about it, the chances are much higher that potential volunteers will get sucked into and share your excitement.

What Every Church Attender Needs

There are two things that every church attender needs if they are going to stay at your church and you have approximately anywhere from 3-7 months to give it to them or they will leave.

Every person needs 1) Relationship and every person needs 2) Responsibility.

Relationship

At New Day we provide the weekend service, small groups (coming first week of October '09), and occasional church events (i.e. potluck bbq) as opportunities for relationships to be built.

Responsibility

At New Day we have a wide variety of serving opportunities such as setting up sound equipment, setting up kids church, info table, signage, bulletin assembly, worship team, people counters, camera person, sound person, computer person, emcee, ushers, money counters, greeters, check in & check out people for kids church, teachers for kids church, volunteers for kids church, tear down crew, van drivers, etc. You won't be at New Day too long before you're asked to use your gifts in the context of the local church through serving.

If people are going to stay they have to have both relationship and responsibility. May God help us to think of creative ways to provide His people with what they need.

Optimism in the Face of Difficulty

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~Winston Churchill

This is SO true! In church planting you are often faced with difficulties and challenges. But how you view them will make all the difference. Do you see the obstacle as a hurdle (that you can get over) or a wall (that will stop you)? In every situation there are difficulties AND opportunities. Which will you choose to focus on?

When one of our regular volunteers isn't available for a given Sunday we have two options. 1) We can say "Oh no! The world has come to an end!" or 2) We can say "This is a great opportunity to involve someone who is new, or someone who hasn't begun serving yet."

God help all of us to be positive, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to have hope.