It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step four.
4. Consider their perspective
Everybody has their own “normal” and if you act in a way contrary to someone’s “normal”, it can cause conflict. For example, in my family it’s always been normal to have quick phone conversations. We don’t get on the phone and have 10 minutes of chit chat (How are you doing? How’s your health? How’s your life, How’s the kids, etc). We get on the phone, we ask what we need to ask, then we get off the phone. A thirty second phone call in my family is no big deal. When I met and married Kristin I learned that not everyone has thirty second phone conversations. “Normal” for her growing up was to chit chat for 15 minutes before getting around to what you called for. I was always amazed when Kristin took 30 minutes to ask a family member what time we were meeting for breakfast. But for her that was normal.
So conflict ensued in the early years of our marriage. But things got better as we learned to consider the other person’s perspective. I came to learn that if I was talking with her family a thirty second phone call was considered rude. She learned that if she was calling my family a fifteen minute call just to ask for someone’s phone number was unnecessary. Now I still can’t do a fifteen minute call just to ask a simple question and Kristin's still uncomfortable with a thirty second phone call. But we’ve both adjusted our natural approach to keep in mind the other person’s “normal” so we can have peace in our relationship. And we just celebrated ten years of marriage last month so I’m pretty sure things have gotten better!
4. Consider their perspective
Everybody has their own “normal” and if you act in a way contrary to someone’s “normal”, it can cause conflict. For example, in my family it’s always been normal to have quick phone conversations. We don’t get on the phone and have 10 minutes of chit chat (How are you doing? How’s your health? How’s your life, How’s the kids, etc). We get on the phone, we ask what we need to ask, then we get off the phone. A thirty second phone call in my family is no big deal. When I met and married Kristin I learned that not everyone has thirty second phone conversations. “Normal” for her growing up was to chit chat for 15 minutes before getting around to what you called for. I was always amazed when Kristin took 30 minutes to ask a family member what time we were meeting for breakfast. But for her that was normal.
So conflict ensued in the early years of our marriage. But things got better as we learned to consider the other person’s perspective. I came to learn that if I was talking with her family a thirty second phone call was considered rude. She learned that if she was calling my family a fifteen minute call just to ask for someone’s phone number was unnecessary. Now I still can’t do a fifteen minute call just to ask a simple question and Kristin's still uncomfortable with a thirty second phone call. But we’ve both adjusted our natural approach to keep in mind the other person’s “normal” so we can have peace in our relationship. And we just celebrated ten years of marriage last month so I’m pretty sure things have gotten better!
When you have a conflict, try to understand the perspective of the other person. You might be violating their “normal” without even realizing it. Philippians 2:4-5 says “Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others.” This is God's step four to resolving conflict.
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