Resolving Conflict: Part 3

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step three.

3. Listen for the hurt 

Where there is conflict there is hurt. So one of your goals when trying to resolve conflict ought to be to discover the hurt. The apostle James tells us how: James 1:19 says in The Message paraphrase “Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue…” Most of the time when someone acts irritable towards us, we respond in kind. God says that’s the wrong response. Instead we should listen for the hurt. Listening leads to understanding. Understanding leads to resolution. And resolution leads to peace. This is God's step three in resolving conflict.

What Humility Looks Like: Part 4

In James 3:13-18 James lays out the two ways in which we can approach relationships: 1) the way of humility or 2) the way of selfishness. He says that selfishness is the cause of relational dysfunction and that humility is God's cure. He then goes on to describe for us what humility looks like so we can practice it in our every day lives and relationships.

First, James says that humility is pure and peace loving (v17).
Second, James says that humility is considerate (v17).
Third, James says that humility is submissive (v17).

Fourth, James says that humility is full of mercy and good fruit (v17).

When James says “mercy and good fruit” he’s talking about having the kind of compassion on someone who’s in need that leads you to help them out. When we are selfish we don’t have time to help people in need. But when humility characterizes our lives we show a concern for others and a willingness to help them out when needed.

Two winters ago we had a really bad snow storm. Here’s a picture of what my driveway looked like after the storm...

Not only was this before I owned a snowblower, but I happened to be very sick the day it snowed. Well to help me out, two of my neighbors came with their snowblowers and cleared my whole driveway. What would’ve taken me the whole day took them less than 30 minutes. They had the kind of compassion that led them to help and the Bible calls this being full of mercy and good fruit.

Now do you think their mercy hurt or helped our relationship? It helped! Anytime you show compassion and help someone in need it strengthens the relationship. If there’s any relationship you have that needs to improve - just help them with something. God says it will make a difference. 

God says that relationships work best when each person helps the other out when they are in need.

• When your neighbor goes on vacation and wants you to feed their cats, are you available or busy? 
• When your family is remodeling a room in their house, do you offer a helping hand or wait to visit them until the project is complete? 
• When your friend or co-worker is moving, do you conveniently make plans that weekend so you won’t have to help? 

God hasn’t called us to selfish living, rather selfless living. And we can practice biblical humility when we put someone else’s needs before our own by helping them when in need. When God saw us in need - separated from him because of our sin - he stepped in to help. He sent Jesus to die on a cross to take the punishment we deserved for our sins. Because he did we can have peace in our relationship with God. And when we follow in God's footsteps we can have peace in our relationship with others. 

What Humility Looks Like: Part 3

In James 3:13-18 James lays out the two ways in which we can approach relationships: 1) the way of humility or 2) the way of selfishness. He says that selfishness is the cause of relational dysfunction and that humility is God's cure. He then goes on to describe for us what humility looks like so we can practice it in our every day lives and relationships.

First, James says that humility is pure and peace loving (v17).
Second, James says that humility is considerate (v17).

Third, James says that humility is submissive (v17). 

Submissive here means "readiness to yield." When you're selfish you always have to have your own way. But when humility characterizes our relationships we’re willing to yield to what others want from time to time instead of always demanding our own way.

I like action and adventure movies. If stuff aint blowing up, why even make the movie? But my wife Kristin likes musicals. And last December when Carrie Underwood did a modern day rendition of "The Sound of Music" she asked me to watch it with her. I immediately made a post to our church Facebook page that read "Quick! Someone call me with a church "emergency." My wife is trying to make me watch a musical!!!" When no one rescued me I finally surrendered and watched a musical. I made fun of it here and there just so I could still call myself a man, but for the most part I was a good sport. Why? Because God says relationships work best when we don't have to have our own way all the time. 

Take Jesus for example. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus said "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). Jesus would've rather provided salvation for mankind apart from suffering, but didn't demand his own way. He demonstrated a readiness to yield. Because he did we can have peace in our relationship with God. And when we follow in Jesus' footsteps by not demanding our own way all the time, we can have peace in our relationship with others. 

What Humility Looks Like: Part 2

In James 3:13-18 James lays out the two ways in which we can approach relationships: 1) the way of humility or 2) the way of selfishness. He says that selfishness is the cause of relational dysfunction and that humility is God's cure. He then goes on to describe for us what humility looks like so we can practice it in our every day lives and relationships.

First, James says that humility is pure and peace loving (v17). 

Second, James says that humility is considerate (v17). 

Considerate here means you are mindful of how your actions or inaction affects others. When you're selfish you don't really care how what you do might inconvenience or upset someone else. But when humility characterizes your life, you put others before yourself in that you think through how your behavior affects others. 

My wife recently asked me to stop leaving empty popcorn bags under the microwave. You see, I have this bad habit of empty the bag into the bowl and then just leaving the bag on the counter for the empty popcorn bag fairy to come clean up. Kristin informed me there is no such thing as the empty popcorn bag fairy, and that it's her who has to clean up my bag when I leave it on the counter. This is the opposite of considerate. 

Did you know that God is considerate? For example, when He saw us separated from him because of our sin, He was mindful (or considerate) that his inaction would affect us deeply. So he sent Jesus to die in our place for our sins so that we wouldn't have to. Image if we were all like God, thinking of how our actions or inactions would affect others - wouldn't we all have better relationships? I think we would! 

If you use the last of the bath tissue in the restroom don't leave the roll behind for someone else to replace. That's inconsiderate. If you're married, don't make plans independently. You and your spouse are one. When you fail to take your spouse into account when making decisions, that's inconsiderate. Look behind you when you walk through a door. Letting the door slam into the person behind you that weren't mindful of is inconsiderate. God says relationships work best when we're considerate of others. 

What Humility Looks Like: Part 1

In James 3:13-18 James lays out the two ways in which we can approach relationships: 1) the way of humility or 2) the way of selfishness. He says that selfishness is the cause of relational dysfunction and that humility is God's cure. He then goes on to describe for us what humility looks like so we can practice it in our every day lives and relationships.

First, James says that humility is pure and peace loving (v17). 

Pure here refers to our motives for being in a relationship. When we're selfish we're only in the relationship for what we can get, not for what we can give. But when humility characterizes our relationships we put others before ourselves by focusing on what we can give vs what we can get. 

I remember making friends with a kid in high school just because he had dirt bikes. It's sad to say but I used him. He and his family no doubt picked up on this fact which is probably why one day when we were out riding and the police popped up over the horizon I was left behind! I barely escaped being arrested that day. Serves me right for being so selfish!

But what about you? Guys, do you ever enter into a relationship for what you can get out of it physically? Ladies, do you ever enter into a relationship for what you can get out of it materially? Do you make friends with your neighbor who has a pool every summer and then forget about them for the rest of the year? Are there any people in your life who you only contact when you need something but never in between? These are different ways in which we approach relationships selfishly - for what we can get out of them and not for what we can give to them.

God says when we approach relationships selfishly we'll always have relational dysfunction. God says relationships work best when we focus on what we can give and not what we can get. This is God approaches his relationship with us. John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave..." That is, God's not in it for what he can get, he's in it for what he can give. And if we want healthy relationships we'll do well to follow his example.