Resolving Conflict: Step 6

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step six.

6. Fix the problem, not the blame 

Determining who’s to blame is not the goal of conflict resolution. It’s almost always both peoples fault, so stop working so hard to figure out who is guilty. YOU are! And THEY are! Once you get that figured out you can free up some energy and time to work on the problem.

Have you ever been in an argument (with your spouse or whoever) and tried to blame the whole thing on them? I have. I’ve done it a ton! And guess what? It’s never worked! Not even one time! In every single situation, in the end, I’ve ended up admitting that I had a part in the conflict. Why? Well, cause it’s true!

A conflict is never further from ending when one person is trying to blame another person entirely. So don’t do that. Now here’s something you may not have thought of…Blaming is a form of judging. When you blame someone else you’re putting yourself in the position of judge - which is God’s job. This is why the Bible says in Romans 14:13, “…let us stop passing judgment on one another.” In relationships, it’s bad to pass gas and to pass judgment. It’s God’s job to judge, so we need to stop assigning blame. It doesn’t bring us closer to resolution, it actually moves us further away. 

Resolving Conflict: Step 5

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step five.

5. Tell the truth tactfully 

Proverbs 12:18 says “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” That is, foolish words hurt and wise words heal. Ephesians 4:15 says “…speak the truth in love…” You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive. Ephesians 4:29 says “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful…” When you say the right thing the wrong way, the right thing you said becomes wrong - and that's not helpful.

I have many mentors (leadership mentors, preaching mentors, marriage mentors, how to be a good father mentor, etc.) and 99% of them are great. But there’s this one that always feels he has to share what he has to share with me harshly. And it’s not that what he’s saying isn’t true - he’s right on, which is why I keep calling - but he doesn’t know how to share the truth tactfully. While I keep calling, he’s the mentor I call the least. I just don’t like the way he talks to me. He’s too harsh.

When we share our frustrations, we should do so tactfully…gently. Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt…” In other words, your speech should be as pleasant to listen to as good seasoned food is to taste. When we violate this verse we come across as attacking the other person and not the problem. This never helps and always hurts so don’t use the tactics of a political ad. In a political ad, they always attack the person, not the policy. This may or may not work in politics, but it certainly doesn’t work in relationships. Attacking someone will never resolve a conflict. So tell the truth tactfully. God says this is step #5 in resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 4

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step four.

4. Consider their perspective 

Everybody has their own “normal” and if you act in a way contrary to someone’s “normal”, it can cause conflict. For example, in my family it’s always been normal to have quick phone conversations. We don’t get on the phone and have 10 minutes of chit chat (How are you doing? How’s your health? How’s your life, How’s the kids, etc). We get on the phone, we ask what we need to ask, then we get off the phone. A thirty second phone call in my family is no big deal. When I met and married Kristin I learned that not everyone has thirty second phone conversations. “Normal” for her growing up was to chit chat for 15 minutes before getting around to what you called for. I was always amazed when Kristin took 30 minutes to ask a family member what time we were meeting for breakfast. But for her that was normal.

So conflict ensued in the early years of our marriage. But things got better as we learned to consider the other person’s perspective. I came to learn that if I was talking with her family a thirty second phone call was considered rude. She learned that if she was calling my family a fifteen minute call just to ask for someone’s phone number was unnecessary. Now I still can’t do a fifteen minute call  just to ask a simple question and Kristin's still uncomfortable with a thirty second phone call. But we’ve both adjusted our natural approach to keep in mind the other person’s “normal” so we can have peace in our relationship. And we just celebrated ten years of marriage last month so I’m pretty sure things have gotten better!

When you have a conflict, try to understand the perspective of the other person. You might be violating their “normal” without even realizing it. Philippians 2:4-5 says “Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others.” This is God's step four to resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 3

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step three.

3. Listen for the hurt 

Where there is conflict there is hurt. So one of your goals when trying to resolve conflict ought to be to discover the hurt. The apostle James tells us how: James 1:19 says in The Message paraphrase “Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue…” Most of the time when someone acts irritable towards us, we respond in kind. God says that’s the wrong response. Instead we should listen for the hurt. Listening leads to understanding. Understanding leads to resolution. And resolution leads to peace. This is God's step three in resolving conflict.

Resolving Conflict: Part 2

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step two.

2. Confess my part first 

We naturally want to begin with condemning, accusing, blaming or attacking the other person. But God says there’s a better way, which is to confess our part first. This is what Jesus was getting at in Matthew 7:3-5 when he says we should take the plank out of our own eye before pointing out a speck of sawdust in someone else's eye. Even if the other party is 99% wrong and you are only 1% wrong, confess your part first. When you start with them, they get defensive. When you start with you, they let down their guard. 

So here's a couple questions you can ask yourself to help you discover your part in the conflict...

• Ask yourself: Have I been unrealistic with my expectations? 
• Ask yourself: Have I been ungrateful? 
• Ask yourself: Have I been too demanding? 
• Guys, ask yourself: Have I been harsh? 
• Ladies, ask yourself: Have I been disrespectful? 
• Guys, ask yourself: Have I been insensitive? 
• Ladies, ask yourself: Have I been too sensitive?

God says things go best when we confess our part first. It's His second step in resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 1

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step one.

1. Take the initiative 

God says to take the initiative, but we usually do the exact opposite.

First, we ignore it. But Jesus says in Matthew 5:25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary…” That means we're to run to conflict! Why do we ignore it? Because we believe the lie “time heals everything.” But this simply isn't true. The truth is that problems only get worse when we ignore them. 

Second, we wait for the other person to come to us. But Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24, “…if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Then he says in Matthew 18:15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault…” To summarize, Jesus says: Whether it’s you upset with them or them upset with you, take the initiative! Why do we wait for the other person to come to us? Because we’re afraid, and when we’re afraid we have a tendency to hide, like Adam did in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:10).

But we need to decide: Do we know best or does God know best? Conflicts are best resolved when we resolve them God's way. So the next time you have a conflict you need to resolve, remind yourself of 2 Timothy 1:7 which says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Then go take the initiative! God's says this is step one in conflict resolution. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 4

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain.
3. Think before reacting.
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters. 

In this post we'll look at the fourth of the four things: Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

Some crazymakers we're able to avoid. But others are neighbors, co-workers or family members that we're going to interact with on a regular basis. When we have such an encounter, we'll do well to pray Psalm 141:3 ahead of time. In Psalm 141:3 the psalmist prays, “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

As a teenager I went to Buckingham palace. And you’ve probably seen the guards that stand by the gates to make sure no one comes in that’s not supposed to. Well, in Psalm 141:3 the psalmist kind of reverses that picture and says - God, be like a guard that prevents anything bad from coming out of the gate of my mouth. In other words - the psalmist is praying that God would prevent him from saying something stupid that would only escalate the conflict or drama and worsen the relationship. What a beautiful word picture! And what a great prayer to pray before a crazymaker encounter.

People are going to irritate us, just like tourists irritate the guards at Buckingham palace. But when we pray Psalm 141:3 we can become like the guards, who don't lose their cool with every little annoyance. So I would encourage you to memorize Psalm 141:3 and to pray it as often as needed. Doing so will better help you keep your cool with your crazymakers. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 3

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain.
3. Think before reacting. 
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

In this post we'll look at the third of the four things: Think before reacting.

When one of your crazymaker's starts pushing your buttons and you begin to feel irritated or angry - think before reacting. Proverbs 13:16 says, “Wise people think before they act; fools don’t…” In other words, put your mind in gear before you put your mouth in gear. Don’t respond impulsively.

Let me tell you about a time I did not think before reacting. One time in college this girl was irritating me. She kept saying stuff that was bothering me and would then kind of shake her butt at me. Without giving it a second thought I yelled across the yard “Keep shaking that thing - maybe it will shrink!” She immediately burst into tears and I felt horrible. In that situation I was a fool for giving vent to my anger. The Bible says wise people think before they act.

You know what I've learned? I've never put my foot in my mouth when it was closed. We would all be wise to live by James 1:19 which says “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James says the longer you hold your temper the better it gets.

Proverbs 29:11 says, “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” The Hebrew here literally means “he cools it”. That is, he cools his red hot anger. So when you tell someone “chill out” you’re basically just quoting Proverbs 29:11. And that's exactly what we need to do when we're angry. 

So don’t immediately text back! Don’t immediately respond to that email! Don’t immediately make a post to social media (even a vague one)! Sleep on it. Or as the Bible puts it, let your anger cool.