Resolving Conflict: Step 6

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step six.

6. Fix the problem, not the blame 

Determining who’s to blame is not the goal of conflict resolution. It’s almost always both peoples fault, so stop working so hard to figure out who is guilty. YOU are! And THEY are! Once you get that figured out you can free up some energy and time to work on the problem.

Have you ever been in an argument (with your spouse or whoever) and tried to blame the whole thing on them? I have. I’ve done it a ton! And guess what? It’s never worked! Not even one time! In every single situation, in the end, I’ve ended up admitting that I had a part in the conflict. Why? Well, cause it’s true!

A conflict is never further from ending when one person is trying to blame another person entirely. So don’t do that. Now here’s something you may not have thought of…Blaming is a form of judging. When you blame someone else you’re putting yourself in the position of judge - which is God’s job. This is why the Bible says in Romans 14:13, “…let us stop passing judgment on one another.” In relationships, it’s bad to pass gas and to pass judgment. It’s God’s job to judge, so we need to stop assigning blame. It doesn’t bring us closer to resolution, it actually moves us further away. 

Resolving Conflict: Step 5

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step five.

5. Tell the truth tactfully 

Proverbs 12:18 says “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” That is, foolish words hurt and wise words heal. Ephesians 4:15 says “…speak the truth in love…” You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive. Ephesians 4:29 says “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful…” When you say the right thing the wrong way, the right thing you said becomes wrong - and that's not helpful.

I have many mentors (leadership mentors, preaching mentors, marriage mentors, how to be a good father mentor, etc.) and 99% of them are great. But there’s this one that always feels he has to share what he has to share with me harshly. And it’s not that what he’s saying isn’t true - he’s right on, which is why I keep calling - but he doesn’t know how to share the truth tactfully. While I keep calling, he’s the mentor I call the least. I just don’t like the way he talks to me. He’s too harsh.

When we share our frustrations, we should do so tactfully…gently. Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt…” In other words, your speech should be as pleasant to listen to as good seasoned food is to taste. When we violate this verse we come across as attacking the other person and not the problem. This never helps and always hurts so don’t use the tactics of a political ad. In a political ad, they always attack the person, not the policy. This may or may not work in politics, but it certainly doesn’t work in relationships. Attacking someone will never resolve a conflict. So tell the truth tactfully. God says this is step #5 in resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 4

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step four.

4. Consider their perspective 

Everybody has their own “normal” and if you act in a way contrary to someone’s “normal”, it can cause conflict. For example, in my family it’s always been normal to have quick phone conversations. We don’t get on the phone and have 10 minutes of chit chat (How are you doing? How’s your health? How’s your life, How’s the kids, etc). We get on the phone, we ask what we need to ask, then we get off the phone. A thirty second phone call in my family is no big deal. When I met and married Kristin I learned that not everyone has thirty second phone conversations. “Normal” for her growing up was to chit chat for 15 minutes before getting around to what you called for. I was always amazed when Kristin took 30 minutes to ask a family member what time we were meeting for breakfast. But for her that was normal.

So conflict ensued in the early years of our marriage. But things got better as we learned to consider the other person’s perspective. I came to learn that if I was talking with her family a thirty second phone call was considered rude. She learned that if she was calling my family a fifteen minute call just to ask for someone’s phone number was unnecessary. Now I still can’t do a fifteen minute call  just to ask a simple question and Kristin's still uncomfortable with a thirty second phone call. But we’ve both adjusted our natural approach to keep in mind the other person’s “normal” so we can have peace in our relationship. And we just celebrated ten years of marriage last month so I’m pretty sure things have gotten better!

When you have a conflict, try to understand the perspective of the other person. You might be violating their “normal” without even realizing it. Philippians 2:4-5 says “Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others.” This is God's step four to resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 3

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step three.

3. Listen for the hurt 

Where there is conflict there is hurt. So one of your goals when trying to resolve conflict ought to be to discover the hurt. The apostle James tells us how: James 1:19 says in The Message paraphrase “Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue…” Most of the time when someone acts irritable towards us, we respond in kind. God says that’s the wrong response. Instead we should listen for the hurt. Listening leads to understanding. Understanding leads to resolution. And resolution leads to peace. This is God's step three in resolving conflict.

Resolving Conflict: Part 2

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step two.

2. Confess my part first 

We naturally want to begin with condemning, accusing, blaming or attacking the other person. But God says there’s a better way, which is to confess our part first. This is what Jesus was getting at in Matthew 7:3-5 when he says we should take the plank out of our own eye before pointing out a speck of sawdust in someone else's eye. Even if the other party is 99% wrong and you are only 1% wrong, confess your part first. When you start with them, they get defensive. When you start with you, they let down their guard. 

So here's a couple questions you can ask yourself to help you discover your part in the conflict...

• Ask yourself: Have I been unrealistic with my expectations? 
• Ask yourself: Have I been ungrateful? 
• Ask yourself: Have I been too demanding? 
• Guys, ask yourself: Have I been harsh? 
• Ladies, ask yourself: Have I been disrespectful? 
• Guys, ask yourself: Have I been insensitive? 
• Ladies, ask yourself: Have I been too sensitive?

God says things go best when we confess our part first. It's His second step in resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 1

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step one.

1. Take the initiative 

God says to take the initiative, but we usually do the exact opposite.

First, we ignore it. But Jesus says in Matthew 5:25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary…” That means we're to run to conflict! Why do we ignore it? Because we believe the lie “time heals everything.” But this simply isn't true. The truth is that problems only get worse when we ignore them. 

Second, we wait for the other person to come to us. But Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24, “…if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Then he says in Matthew 18:15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault…” To summarize, Jesus says: Whether it’s you upset with them or them upset with you, take the initiative! Why do we wait for the other person to come to us? Because we’re afraid, and when we’re afraid we have a tendency to hide, like Adam did in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:10).

But we need to decide: Do we know best or does God know best? Conflicts are best resolved when we resolve them God's way. So the next time you have a conflict you need to resolve, remind yourself of 2 Timothy 1:7 which says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Then go take the initiative! God's says this is step one in conflict resolution. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 4

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain.
3. Think before reacting.
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters. 

In this post we'll look at the fourth of the four things: Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

Some crazymakers we're able to avoid. But others are neighbors, co-workers or family members that we're going to interact with on a regular basis. When we have such an encounter, we'll do well to pray Psalm 141:3 ahead of time. In Psalm 141:3 the psalmist prays, “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

As a teenager I went to Buckingham palace. And you’ve probably seen the guards that stand by the gates to make sure no one comes in that’s not supposed to. Well, in Psalm 141:3 the psalmist kind of reverses that picture and says - God, be like a guard that prevents anything bad from coming out of the gate of my mouth. In other words - the psalmist is praying that God would prevent him from saying something stupid that would only escalate the conflict or drama and worsen the relationship. What a beautiful word picture! And what a great prayer to pray before a crazymaker encounter.

People are going to irritate us, just like tourists irritate the guards at Buckingham palace. But when we pray Psalm 141:3 we can become like the guards, who don't lose their cool with every little annoyance. So I would encourage you to memorize Psalm 141:3 and to pray it as often as needed. Doing so will better help you keep your cool with your crazymakers. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 3

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain.
3. Think before reacting. 
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

In this post we'll look at the third of the four things: Think before reacting.

When one of your crazymaker's starts pushing your buttons and you begin to feel irritated or angry - think before reacting. Proverbs 13:16 says, “Wise people think before they act; fools don’t…” In other words, put your mind in gear before you put your mouth in gear. Don’t respond impulsively.

Let me tell you about a time I did not think before reacting. One time in college this girl was irritating me. She kept saying stuff that was bothering me and would then kind of shake her butt at me. Without giving it a second thought I yelled across the yard “Keep shaking that thing - maybe it will shrink!” She immediately burst into tears and I felt horrible. In that situation I was a fool for giving vent to my anger. The Bible says wise people think before they act.

You know what I've learned? I've never put my foot in my mouth when it was closed. We would all be wise to live by James 1:19 which says “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James says the longer you hold your temper the better it gets.

Proverbs 29:11 says, “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” The Hebrew here literally means “he cools it”. That is, he cools his red hot anger. So when you tell someone “chill out” you’re basically just quoting Proverbs 29:11. And that's exactly what we need to do when we're angry. 

So don’t immediately text back! Don’t immediately respond to that email! Don’t immediately make a post to social media (even a vague one)! Sleep on it. Or as the Bible puts it, let your anger cool.

Dealing with Anger: Part 2

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain. 
3. Think before reacting.
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

In this post we'll look at the second of the four things: Look past their hurt to their pain.

When our crazymakers hurt us, it’s so tempting to respond in kind, but God calls us to take the moral high road - to look past their words to their pain. Proverbs 19:11 says it this way, “A wise man restrains his anger and overlooks insults. This is to his credit.” (LB) Now, when you overlook something, you look past it to what’s behind it. So when a crazymaker says or does something hurtful, you look past the unkind word or deed to the real issue. Doing so will help you respond without losing your cool.

For example, I remember when my daughter Ally was in kindergarten, there was this girl in her class that was nasty to everyone, including Ally. As we got to know the family we learned that this little girl’s dad was never around. We explained to Ally that when someone is acting nasty, it’s usually because they are hurting - and that she might be acting nasty because she’s hurt that she never gets to see her daddy. So we told Ally two things:

1. Don’t ever allow her to treat you nasty. Just because she's hurting doesn’t give her the right to treat you like trash. So tell her she’s being nasty and that you don’t appreciate it and that it needs to stop.
2. Don’t be mean back. Instead, have compassion. This girl is hurting because she misses her daddy. The last thing she needs is for someone to inflict more hurt and pain into her life by being nasty back. Jesus said “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” He didn’t say “Retaliate!”

It is not our Christian duty to let nasty, mean-spirited people walk all over us. We can and should stand up for ourselves when people and being hurtful. But it is our Christian duty to respond in a God-honoring way. We will be mad when people hurt us, but there's a way to be angry without sinning. As Ephesians 4:26 says, "In your anger, do not sin." How do we do this you ask? We look past their words to their pain. That is, we keep in mind that hurt people hurt people. And in light of this we choose to act compassionately. We will stand up for ourselves when people are being hurtful, but we will not be hurtful back. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 1

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.  
2. Look past their words to their pain.
3. Think before reacting.
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

 In this post we'll look at the first of the four things: Calculate the Cost.

Before you respond with unrighteous anger, calculate what you’re going to lose. You see, you’re less likely to get angry when somebody’s pushing your buttons if you realize there’s always a price tag for unrighteous anger. What's the price tag of unrighteous anger, you ask? Well, the Bible says that when I get anger in an unrighteous way...

1. I’m going to stir up conflict. Proverbs 29:22a says, "An angry person stirs up conflict..." 
2. I’m going to sin. Proverbs 29:22b, "...a hot-tempered person commits many sins." 
3. I’m going to make mistakes. Proverbs 14:29, A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes. 
4. I’m going to do something foolish that later I will regret. Proverbs 14:17, A quick-tempered person does foolish things…

For example, back in 1978 there was a famous college football coach named Woody Hayes. He coached Ohio State for 28 seasons, winning five national championships and 13 Big Ten Conference titles. But despite his great achievements, his coaching career ended abruptly when he was fired after punching an opposing player that caught an interception during the 1978 Gator Bowl. The video is on youtube. Ohio’s quarterback throws the ball. The other team intercepts. Ohio tackles the guy who caught the interception. The coach runs over to the guy who caught the interception, helps him up, and then punches him in the throat. It was crazy. And then he was fired.

The Bible says I always lose when I lose my temper.  So the next time one of your crazymakers starts pushing your buttons, just ask yourself...

1. Is it worth it to risk losing respect? 
2. Is it worth it to risk losing the love of my family? 
3. Is it worth it to risk losing my job? 
4. Is it worth it to risk making matters worse? 

If we keep in mind that our unrighteous anger always has a high price tag, we will be much more likely to respond in a God-honoring way when our crazymakers make us angry. 

What Humility Looks Like: Part 4

In James 3:13-18 James lays out the two ways in which we can approach relationships: 1) the way of humility or 2) the way of selfishness. He says that selfishness is the cause of relational dysfunction and that humility is God's cure. He then goes on to describe for us what humility looks like so we can practice it in our every day lives and relationships.

First, James says that humility is pure and peace loving (v17).
Second, James says that humility is considerate (v17).
Third, James says that humility is submissive (v17).

Fourth, James says that humility is full of mercy and good fruit (v17).

When James says “mercy and good fruit” he’s talking about having the kind of compassion on someone who’s in need that leads you to help them out. When we are selfish we don’t have time to help people in need. But when humility characterizes our lives we show a concern for others and a willingness to help them out when needed.

Two winters ago we had a really bad snow storm. Here’s a picture of what my driveway looked like after the storm...

Not only was this before I owned a snowblower, but I happened to be very sick the day it snowed. Well to help me out, two of my neighbors came with their snowblowers and cleared my whole driveway. What would’ve taken me the whole day took them less than 30 minutes. They had the kind of compassion that led them to help and the Bible calls this being full of mercy and good fruit.

Now do you think their mercy hurt or helped our relationship? It helped! Anytime you show compassion and help someone in need it strengthens the relationship. If there’s any relationship you have that needs to improve - just help them with something. God says it will make a difference. 

God says that relationships work best when each person helps the other out when they are in need.

• When your neighbor goes on vacation and wants you to feed their cats, are you available or busy? 
• When your family is remodeling a room in their house, do you offer a helping hand or wait to visit them until the project is complete? 
• When your friend or co-worker is moving, do you conveniently make plans that weekend so you won’t have to help? 

God hasn’t called us to selfish living, rather selfless living. And we can practice biblical humility when we put someone else’s needs before our own by helping them when in need. When God saw us in need - separated from him because of our sin - he stepped in to help. He sent Jesus to die on a cross to take the punishment we deserved for our sins. Because he did we can have peace in our relationship with God. And when we follow in God's footsteps we can have peace in our relationship with others. 

What Humility Looks Like: Part 3

In James 3:13-18 James lays out the two ways in which we can approach relationships: 1) the way of humility or 2) the way of selfishness. He says that selfishness is the cause of relational dysfunction and that humility is God's cure. He then goes on to describe for us what humility looks like so we can practice it in our every day lives and relationships.

First, James says that humility is pure and peace loving (v17).
Second, James says that humility is considerate (v17).

Third, James says that humility is submissive (v17). 

Submissive here means "readiness to yield." When you're selfish you always have to have your own way. But when humility characterizes our relationships we’re willing to yield to what others want from time to time instead of always demanding our own way.

I like action and adventure movies. If stuff aint blowing up, why even make the movie? But my wife Kristin likes musicals. And last December when Carrie Underwood did a modern day rendition of "The Sound of Music" she asked me to watch it with her. I immediately made a post to our church Facebook page that read "Quick! Someone call me with a church "emergency." My wife is trying to make me watch a musical!!!" When no one rescued me I finally surrendered and watched a musical. I made fun of it here and there just so I could still call myself a man, but for the most part I was a good sport. Why? Because God says relationships work best when we don't have to have our own way all the time. 

Take Jesus for example. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus said "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). Jesus would've rather provided salvation for mankind apart from suffering, but didn't demand his own way. He demonstrated a readiness to yield. Because he did we can have peace in our relationship with God. And when we follow in Jesus' footsteps by not demanding our own way all the time, we can have peace in our relationship with others. 

What Humility Looks Like: Part 2

In James 3:13-18 James lays out the two ways in which we can approach relationships: 1) the way of humility or 2) the way of selfishness. He says that selfishness is the cause of relational dysfunction and that humility is God's cure. He then goes on to describe for us what humility looks like so we can practice it in our every day lives and relationships.

First, James says that humility is pure and peace loving (v17). 

Second, James says that humility is considerate (v17). 

Considerate here means you are mindful of how your actions or inaction affects others. When you're selfish you don't really care how what you do might inconvenience or upset someone else. But when humility characterizes your life, you put others before yourself in that you think through how your behavior affects others. 

My wife recently asked me to stop leaving empty popcorn bags under the microwave. You see, I have this bad habit of empty the bag into the bowl and then just leaving the bag on the counter for the empty popcorn bag fairy to come clean up. Kristin informed me there is no such thing as the empty popcorn bag fairy, and that it's her who has to clean up my bag when I leave it on the counter. This is the opposite of considerate. 

Did you know that God is considerate? For example, when He saw us separated from him because of our sin, He was mindful (or considerate) that his inaction would affect us deeply. So he sent Jesus to die in our place for our sins so that we wouldn't have to. Image if we were all like God, thinking of how our actions or inactions would affect others - wouldn't we all have better relationships? I think we would! 

If you use the last of the bath tissue in the restroom don't leave the roll behind for someone else to replace. That's inconsiderate. If you're married, don't make plans independently. You and your spouse are one. When you fail to take your spouse into account when making decisions, that's inconsiderate. Look behind you when you walk through a door. Letting the door slam into the person behind you that weren't mindful of is inconsiderate. God says relationships work best when we're considerate of others. 

What Humility Looks Like: Part 1

In James 3:13-18 James lays out the two ways in which we can approach relationships: 1) the way of humility or 2) the way of selfishness. He says that selfishness is the cause of relational dysfunction and that humility is God's cure. He then goes on to describe for us what humility looks like so we can practice it in our every day lives and relationships.

First, James says that humility is pure and peace loving (v17). 

Pure here refers to our motives for being in a relationship. When we're selfish we're only in the relationship for what we can get, not for what we can give. But when humility characterizes our relationships we put others before ourselves by focusing on what we can give vs what we can get. 

I remember making friends with a kid in high school just because he had dirt bikes. It's sad to say but I used him. He and his family no doubt picked up on this fact which is probably why one day when we were out riding and the police popped up over the horizon I was left behind! I barely escaped being arrested that day. Serves me right for being so selfish!

But what about you? Guys, do you ever enter into a relationship for what you can get out of it physically? Ladies, do you ever enter into a relationship for what you can get out of it materially? Do you make friends with your neighbor who has a pool every summer and then forget about them for the rest of the year? Are there any people in your life who you only contact when you need something but never in between? These are different ways in which we approach relationships selfishly - for what we can get out of them and not for what we can give to them.

God says when we approach relationships selfishly we'll always have relational dysfunction. God says relationships work best when we focus on what we can give and not what we can get. This is God approaches his relationship with us. John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave..." That is, God's not in it for what he can get, he's in it for what he can give. And if we want healthy relationships we'll do well to follow his example. 

How did Jesus fulfill the Passover? Part 5

According to Exodus 12 there were five basic requirements for celebrating Passover.

1. Set aside a lamb on the 10th of Nisan- one without defect 
2. Slaughter the lamb on the 14th - but don’t break any bones 
3. Put some of the lamb’s blood on the sides and top of the doorframe 
4. Finish the Passover on the 14th - don't let it spill over into the next day 
5. Celebrate the Passover perpetually 

In this post I'll show you how Jesus fulfilled requirement #5.

The fifth requirement for Passover was that it be celebrated perpetually. It other words, God didn't want the memory of his great deliverance to fade away. By celebrating Passover each year it kept the memory of the Israelites deliverance fresh in their minds. But Passover served a two-fold purpose. First they looked back to their deliverance from slavery to Egypt. Then they looked forward the even greater deliverance to come - their deliverance from slavery to sin.

Well, notice the parallels between the Passover and Communion...

On Passover, the same day Jesus was arrested and crucified for our sins, he instituted a new celebration. Having fulfilled Passover, Jesus now instituted Communion. You see, Jesus didn't want the memory of his great deliverance to fade away. By celebrating Communion on a regular basis we keep the memory of our deliverance from sin fresh in our minds. And just like Passover, Communion serves a two-fold purpose. First, when we celebrate communion we look back to our deliverance from our slavery to sin - made possible by Christ's death on the cross. But we're also commanded to celebrate communion looking forward to Christ's return.

Notice: Earlier I read you Matthew 5:17 where Jesus said "Don't misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose." Having accomplished the purpose of Passover, Jesus now instituted a new celebration called Communion.

To summarize: As God commanded the Passover be celebrated perpetually, so Jesus commanded that Communion be celebrated perpetually. In this way Jesus perpetuated the reality of Passover.

So we see that Jesus fulfilled the fifth requirement of Passover. 

How did Jesus fulfill Passover? Part 4

According to Exodus 12 there were five basic requirements for celebrating Passover.

1. Set aside a lamb on the 10th of Nisan- one without defect 
2. Slaughter the lamb on the 14th - but don’t break any bones 
3. Put some of the lamb’s blood on the sides and top of the doorframe 
4. Finish the Passover on the 14th - don't let it spill over into the next day 
5. Celebrate the Passover perpetually

In this post I'll show you how Jesus fulfilled requirement #4.

The fourth requirement of Passover was that it had to be finished on the 14th, which for the Jew meant by twilight (approximately 6pm). Remember, for a Jew twilight was the end of one day and the beginning of the next. They did this because God commanded in Exodus 12:10 regarding the Passover “Do not leave any of it till morning; if some is left till morning, you must burn it.” God didn’t want the Passover spilling into the next day. If any of it was left after the meal they were to burn it before the day ended.

Notice the parallel here between the Passover lamb and Jesus...

As the Passover lamb was done away with before the start of the next day, so Jesus was taken down from the cross and buried before the start of the next day. We read in John 19 that on the same day Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea and Nicodemus took Jesus' body down from the cross, wrapped it in strips of linen and buried it in a tomb in a garden at the site of the crucifixion. 

Note: Joseph was a wealthy man and could've paid for Jesus to be buried somewhere else, but God didn't allow that to happen. God provided a tomb on site so Jesus could be buried quickly (before the end of the day) thus fulfilling the fourth requirement of Passover. 

So to summarize: As the Passover lamb had to be finished and done away with before the start of the next day, so Jesus was taken down from the cross and buried before the Passover day had ended. 

So we see that Jesus fulfilled the fourth requirement of the Passover.

How did Jesus fulfill Passover? Part 3

According to Exodus 12 there were five basic requirements for celebrating Passover.

1. Set aside a lamb on the 10th of Nisan- one without defect 
2. Slaughter the lamb on the 14th - but don’t break any bones 
3. Put some of the lamb’s blood on the sides and top of the doorframe 
4. Finish the Passover on the 14th - don't let it spill over into the next day 
5. Celebrate the Passover perpetually

In this post I'll show you how Jesus fulfilled requirement #3.

The third requirement of Passover was that some of the slaughter lamb's blood be put on the sides and top of each Israelite doorframe.

Notice the first parallel between the Passover lamb and Jesus...

1. As some of the blood of the Passover lamb stained the top of the doorframe, so Jesus' blood stained the top of the cross. We read in Matthew 27:29 that they "...twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head."

Notice the second parallel between the Passover lamb and Jesus...

2. As some of the blood of the Passover lamb stained each side of the doorframe, so Jesus' blood stained each side of the cross. We learn from John 20:25 that when they crucified Jesus they drove nails through his hands to fasten him to the cross.

Notice: Apart from Jesus the blood on the top and sides of the door frame has no significance whatsoever. But when Jesus' crucifixion is seen as the fulfillment of the Passover lamb's slaughter, the blood on the top and sides of the doorframe takes on great significance.

To Summarize: By applying the blood of the lamb the Israelites were spared from death. When the angel God sent to judge the Egyptians came to the door and saw the blood, he passed over that house. (this is how we got the name Passover). In the same way today, by faith we apply the blood of the lamb Jesus to the door frame of our heart - and in so doing we are spared from the penalty of our sins, which is death (Romans 6:23). 

So we see that Jesus passed the third requirement of Passover. 

How did Jesus fulfill Passover? Part 2

According to Exodus 12 there were five basic requirements for celebrating Passover.

1. Set aside a lamb on the 10th of Nisan- one without defect 
2. Slaughter the lamb on the 14th - but don’t break any bones 
3. Put some of the lamb’s blood on the sides and top of the doorframe 
4. Finish the Passover on the 14th - don't let it spill over into the next day 
5. Celebrate the Passover perpetually

In this post I'll show you how Jesus fulfilled requirement #2.

The second requirement of Passover was that the lamb had to be slaughtered on the 14th. And God commanded that none of the bones were to be broken during the slaughtering process.

Notice the first parallel between the Passover lamb and Jesus...

1. As the Passover lamb was slaughtered on the 14th day of Nisan, so Jesus was crucified on the 14th day of Nisan. 

And notice with me the similarities between the Passover lamb and Jesus (the Lamb of God) on that day.

• By 9am on the day of the Passover the Jews were busy with preparations for sacrifice. This was the exact time (9am) that Jesus was nailed to the cross. We read in Mark 15:25 “Now it was the third hour, and they crucified Him.” The third hour was 9am in Jewish time. At the same time the Jews were making preparations for sacrifice, Jesus was prepared to die by being nailed to a cross. 
• At 3pm the people were slaughtering their lambs. I know a Jewish pastor named David. He's a Christian who annually celebrates Passover. We worked on this message together and he told me that the last sacrifice took place by 3pm. When the priest had slaughtered the last lamb he would say "It is finished." Well, the Bible records that Jesus died at exactly 3pm. We read in Mark 15:33-37 that “…at the ninth hour [3pm Jewish time] Jesus cried out in a loud voice…“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” [Then] With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last. And we know what that last loud cry was, don't we? John 19:30 reveals that Jesus' last loud cry was "It is finished!" 

Now notice the second parallel between the Passover lamb and Jesus...

2. As the Passover lamb was slaughtered without a bone being broken, so Jesus was crucified without a bone being broken. 

We read in John 19:30-37 that the Roman soldiers broke the legs of the two thieves who were crucified next to Jesus - but when they came to Jesus they saw that he was already dead, so they did not break his legs.

Notice: Jesus died on the same month (Nisan), day (the 14th) and even hour (3pm) as did the Passover lamb.

To summarize: As the Israelites slaughtered a lamb on the 14th of Nisan, so Jesus was crucified on the 14th of Nisan. And as the bones of the Passover lamb were preserved, so Jesus’ bones were preserved - not one of them was broken.

So we see that Jesus met the second requirement of Passover. 

How did Jesus fulfill Passover? Part 1

According to Exodus 12 there were five basic requirements for celebrating Passover.

1. Set aside a lamb on the 10th of Nisan- one without defect 
2. Slaughter the lamb on the 14th - but don’t break any bones 
3. Put some of the lamb’s blood on the sides and top of the doorframe 
4. Finish the Passover on the 14th - don't let it spill over into the next day 
5. Celebrate the Passover perpetually 

In this post I'll show you how Jesus fulfilled requirement #1.

The first requirement of Passover was that a lamb be set aside on the 10th of Nisan, four days prior to Passover. During these four days leading up to Passover the lamb was to be examined to be proven to be without defect, for this is what God had commanded.

Notice the first parallel between the Passover lamb and Jesus...

1. As the Passover lamb was set aside on the 10th, so Jesus entered Jerusalem on the 10th, to be set aside as the human lamb Isaiah and John the Baptist prophesied about.

Let me explain. John 12:1 says, “Six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany…” Since Passover was celebrated on the 14th, this would mean that Jesus came to Bethany on the 9th. Then we read in John 12:12 that, “The next day the great crowd that had come for the [Passover] festival heard that Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem.” Since Jesus was in Bethany on the 9th, that makes the next day the 10th. Jesus entered Jerusalem to be set aside as the human Lamb of God on the exact day that God told the Jews to set aside their lambs for Passover.

Notice the second parallel between the Passover lamb and Jesus...

2. As the Passover lamb was without defect, so Jesus was found to be faultless.

When Jesus arrived in Jerusalem the Jews tried to find some fault in Jesus they could use to discredit him. For example, in Matthew 21 the religious leaders questioned his authority. In Matthew 23 they asked Him trick questions hoping he would give a wrong answer they could then use against Him. But they found nothing. In frustration, the Jews turned Jesus over to Pilate, hoping he could find something to accuse Jesus of. But even after interrogating and beating Jesus, Pilate said of him in John 19:4 “I find no fault in Him.” Of course he didn't for Jesus was a Lamb without defect!

Now notice this: All these things happened between the 10th and the 14th - that is, during the same exact time when the Jews were examining their lambs - looking for faults - in preparation for sacrifice.

To summarize: As the Israelites set aside a lamb on the 10th of Nisan, so Jesus was set aside on the 10th of Nisan. And as the Israelites examined their lamb to be sure it was without defect, so Jesus was examined and found to be without defect. 

So we see that Jesus fulfilled the first requirement of Passover. 

Why Study the Feasts?

In Leviticus 23 God commanded the Jews to celebrate seven feasts.

1. The Passover, v.5 
2. Unleavened Bread, v.6
3. First Fruits, v.11
4. Pentecost, v.16 
5. Trumpets, v.24
6. Atonement, v.27
7. Tabernacles, v.34 

Why is it important to study these feasts? 

1. Though God gave the feasts to the Jews, Leviticus 23:2 refers to the feasts as “the…feasts of the Lord…” not "the...feasts of the Jews..." This implies that the feasts have just as much significance for Gentiles as Jews (“Gentile” is the Bible term for anyone who isn’t Jewish). 
2. Some mistakenly believe that Jesus came to do away with the feasts and the other rules of the Old Testament Law so they think the feasts aren't important to study, but that's not what Jesus taught. Jesus said in Matthew 5:17 “Don’t misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose.” That is, Jesus came as the reality of Who the feasts had pointed to for 1,500 years. But without studying the feasts we'll never understand how Jesus fulfilled them. And without understanding how Jesus fulfilled the feasts we won't have nearly the confidence we could have that Jesus is indeed God's promised Messiah. 
3. Christianity is rooted in Judaism. To better appreciate Christianity, one must be somewhat familiar with Judaism. And a huge part of Judaism was the annual celebration of these seven feasts. 
4. When we better understand the feasts we will worship God with renewed passion, for we will have new understanding of the depths of his wisdom in unfolding to us his plan of salvation, which is vividly portrayed through the feasts. 

The Seven Feasts

God instructed the Israelites to annually celebrate seven feasts. In Leviticus 23:1-2 The Lord said to Moses, “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘These are my appointed feasts, the appointed feasts of the Lord, which you are to proclaim as sacred assemblies. The seven feasts are then listed…

First we have the Spring Feasts.

1. The Passover, v.5

2. Unleavened Bread, v.6

3. First Fruits, v.11

These took place during the Spring Harvest in the Jewish month of Nisan, which on our calendar falls between March and April. 

Second we have the Summer Feast. 

4. Pentecost, v.16 

This took place during the Summer Harvest in the Jewish month of Sivan, which on our calendar falls between May and June.

Third we have the Fall Feasts.

5. Trumpets, v.24
6. Atonement, v.27
7. Tabernacles, v.34

These took place during the Fall Harvest in the Jewish month of Tishri, which on our calendar falls between September and October.

The Bible says these feasts were "sacred assemblies". The Hebrew word for "sacred assembly" is mikrah and means "dress rehearsal". One day God was going to send Messiah into the world to act out a redemption 'play'. And when that came came God wanted the Jews to recognize 'the play'. So He had the Israelites act it out over and over again for 1,500 years prior to Messiah coming into the world. God's hope was that through 1,500 years of dress rehearsal the Jews would recognize the play when it came to town. 

Here's another way to think of the feasts. Think of them as pictures. Each feast was a picture of Messiah. God's hope was that by looking at the pictures of Messiah for 1,500 years the Jews would recognize him when he came.

You could also think of the feasts as shadows. The apostle Paul said of the feasts in Colossians 2:17, “For these rules [the rules of the feasts] are only shadows of the reality yet to come. And Christ himself is that reality.” A shadow isn’t a person. A shadow only points to the reality of a person. In the same way the feasts were shadows that pointed to the person of Christ. God’s hope was that by seeing the shadow for fifteen hundreds years, they would recognize the person the shadows pointed to.

Though God went through great lengths to help the Jews recognize their Messiah, the failed to do so. John 1:11 records that Jesus came to that which was his own (the Jews), but his own did not receive him. As we study the feasts, let us not make the same mistake as the Jews. As we study the feasts may we see the Messiah as God intended and make this Messiah both Savior and Lord. 

Physical Touch

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's fifth expression of love.

5. Physical touch 

When the children came to Jesus in Mark 10 the Bible records that "...he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them." When Jesus' disciples assumed Jesus was too important to bother with children, Jesus showed his love for the children with appropriate, loving touch.

Both my sister and brother in law are nurses at Bay State and were telling my wife how they now require mother and baby to have one hour of skin to skin time. They've come to realize how important physical touch is in promoting physical health, so it's now something they require.

Well, it's not just babies that need physical touch. Marriages need it too! Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, snuggling and good ol’ fashioned sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating love to one’s spouse.

Yet sadly, Satan has really got us all mixed up on this point. Before we’re married he works overtime to get us in bed. After we’re married he works overtime to keep us out of bed. He doesn’t mind if we sleep in our pretty secretary’s (or co-worker’s) bed or our neighbor’s spouse’s bed, but he does everything in his power to keep us away from each other. Now there’s more to physical touch than just sex, but sex is certainly an important component of physical touch within a marriage relationship.

While not touching in marriage can be a sign of sickness, appropriate loving touches can bring healing.

• In Matthew 8:1-4 a man with leprosy came to Jesus. Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. Immediately the man was cleansed of his leprosy. 
• In Matthew 8:14-15 Jesus came to Peter’s house and saw Peter’s mother-in-law lying in bed with a fever. He touched her hand and the fever left her, and she got up and began to wait on him. 
• In Matthew 9:27-29 two blind men came to Jesus. Jesus touched their eyes and they were healed. 

Jesus shows us there is healing in physical touch. And for some of you, physical touch is what’s missing and what will bring healing to your marriage. When you make a point to give appropriate, loving touches to your spouse, you take one step closer to God’s ideal for marriage. We read in Genesis 2:24 that God’s ideal for marriage is for a man to leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife and that the two would become one flesh. This speaks of physical intimacy in a marriage.

This might sound unromantic, but if your sex life is suffering because you’re just leaving it up to chance - you may need to put a little reminder on your phone or calendar. This is too important to leave to chance. You probably schedule everything else in your life - why not schedule some time for physical touch? If we’re not intentional about sex, it oftentimes ends up getting squeezed out of our overly busy schedule. Don’t save it for the very last thing on your agenda for the day, you will almost always be “too tired”. Make it a priority. Move it too the top of your to do list, instead of at the bottom once everything else is done. The dinner dishes and the laundry can wait, but intimacy can’t.

Acts of Service

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's fourth expression of love.

4. Acts of Service 

John 13:1-4, "It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end…so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." Through the humble act of washing dirty feet, Jesus showed his love for his disciples, and then instructed them to follow his example.

If we want a happy and healthy marriage we too should follow this example of serving.

At our house Kristin does the laundry, but she absolutely hates it. Now I hate doing laundry too, but I love my wife so I did a couple loads for her while she was out having coffee with her sister. This is an example of a practical act of service.

Andrew, our executive pastor here at New Day, isn’t just a good pastor, he’s also a good husband. And since it’s hard for Kristi to go to the grocery store with four kids, Andrew often takes care of the grocery shopping for her. It’s a practical way he shows his love for Kristi.

Though I grew up in a traditional home where my dad made the proverbial bacon and my mom cooked it, my dad isn't above helping around the house. At Thanksgiving or when we all come over his house to eat, he always does the dishes so that my mom doesn’t have to. It’s a simple, but meaningful way to express love through an act of service.

These are all examples of acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. And if done with a positive attitude, they count as meaningful expressions of love! Jesus wasn’t above showing us love by serving us, so who are we to be above showing love to our spouse by serving them? Why not think of a practical act of service you could do for your spouse today? 

Gift Giving

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's third expression of love.

3. Gift Giving

Romans 6:23 says "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

From these verses we see another way that God expresses his love for us - through gift giving. While gift giving should never replace the gift of time, there is a place for gift giving, because it’s one of the ways that God shows his love for us.

Gift giving means a lot to my wife. In light of this, months before her birthday or Christmas I begin making a list of things I overhear Kristin saying that she wants. The gift means more to her when she hasn’t directly asked for it. She likes it when I pay attention to her and make notes on my own and then surprise her with things she’s mentioned but may not have explicitly asked for. So that’s what I do. And since gifts means so much to her, I set a big budget for her birthday and Christmas presents. Gifts don't mean that much to me (and my favorite gift is actually 100% free) so I can assign most of the money in the budget for gifts to her.

Now why do gifts mean so much? Have you ever thought about that? Well, it's because a gift is a symbol that your spouse was thinking of you. You can’t get someone a gift without thinking about them. And your spouse will probably appreciate the fact that you were thinking about them just as much as (if not more than) the actual gift.

And here’s the good news. You don’t need to spend a ton of money! Even a one dollar gift can speak a million dollars worth of love. With that said, if you have a million dollars you might not want to buy a one dollar gift.

True love gives! The Bible says that God so loved the world that he gave... (John 3:16). There’s just no way around it. At the heart of love is the spirit of giving. So from time to time be sure to express your love for your spouse through the giving of gifts.

Quality Time

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's second expression of love.

2. Quality Time

Genesis 3:8-9 reveals that God took time daily to walk and talk with Adam and Eve. God showed his love to Adam and Eve by daily spending time with them. In the same way, we can communicate love to our spouse by sharing quality time with them.

You see, the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. I John 3:18 says, "Our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action." That is, love is not just something you feel, or just something you say, it’s something you do. In other words, you spell love T-I-M-E.

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time because time is your most precious resource. Your life is made up of seconds, minutes and hours. And when you give someone your time you are giving them a piece of your life. You can get money back, but not your time. That’s why the gift of love expressed through time is the most valuable, precious gift you could ever give.

We all have different energy levels, different amounts of wealth, different amounts of talents and different personalities, but we all have the exact same amount of time. All of us get 168 hours a week. And what we give our time to speaks volumes about what’s truly important to us. If we want to communicate to our spouse that he/she is important to us, we've got to carve out some time in our schedule for them (and not the left overs).

Giving someone your time says “You matter to me.” Giving someone your time says “You are valuable to me.” Giving someone your time says “You are worth listening to.” You’re saying all kinds of things when you give (or withhold) the gift of time.

In Luke 10:38-42 we read the story of Mary and Martha. Jesus has come for a visit. Martha is running around doing all kinds of stuff FOR Jesus, while Mary is content to just be WITH Jesus. Martha gets upset and tells Jesus to tell Mary to help her. But Jesus replies “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! But there is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

From this story we learn this principle: What we do with Jesus is more important than what we do for Jesus. Well, the same is true of our spouse! What we do with them is more important than what we do for them.

The essence of loving relationships is not what we give to each other (i.e. presents/gifts/stuff). The essence of loving relationships is how much we give of ourselves to that person. Our lives. Our time! Gifts are no replacement for time.

Guys - listen up - Some of you are so busy working for your family, that you have no time to spend with your family. But this is no way to live. Your wife and kids don’t need more stuff. They need you! They need you to express your love to them through quality (and quantity) of time. Pastor and author Chuck Swindoll once wrote “Busyness fills the calendar but frustrates the family”, so don’t get caught up in the busyness trap. Take the time to show your love by giving your spouse (and family) quality time.

Be deliberate this week to think about ways to spend some time with your spouse. Remember the things that you used to do while you were dating, the things that brought you together in the first place. Whether it’s taking a walk, going for a hike, going skiing, playing a game or going out to dinner. And be sure to put down your phones and give each other your undivided attention. That just may be the thing your marriage needs to get some of its spark back. 

Words of Affirmation

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's first expression of love.

1. Words of Affirmation

In Matthew 3:16-17 we read: As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

In this passage God expresses his love for Jesus through words of affirmation. He says: Hey everyone! Listen up! Jesus is my Son and I love him! He makes me so happy!

One of our family’s favorite Christmas movies is Will Ferrel’s 2003 movie called ELF. In the movie, when Buddy the Elf falls in love with his new co-worker, Jovie, he bursts into his dad’s board room spinning and shouting to everyone in the room “I’m in love! I’m in love! And I don’t care who knows it!”

Well that’s what God is doing for Jesus in Matthew 3. God’s love for Jesus wells up in his heart until it overflows from his lips in the form of kinds words. In a declaration of love he proudly tells the world: “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

Solomon was a pro at using words of affirmation in marriage. Here's some of the kind words he spoke to his young bride recorded in Song of Solomon...

• You are beautiful my darling. 
• You have captured my heart. 
• Your love delights me. 
• Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women. 

Following Solomon's lead, something I like to tell my wife is “Honey, you make that dress look good.” I don’t compliment the dress because a dress can’t give me a thank you kiss. But my wife can, so I tell her that she makes the dress look good, not the other way around. Following Solomon's lead my wife tell me "Mike, you're such a hard worker." And I love it when she says stuff like that! 

Proverbs 12:25 says “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” When is the last time you shared a kind word with your spouse? 

First Corinthians 13:4 says “…love is kind”. Therefore, to communicate love verbally we have to speak kind words. From God’s example we learn that kind words are one meaningful way to express love to our spouse (and others). So if this isn’t something you’re already practicing, why not start today? 

If you don’t know where to begin, why not begin where God began with Jesus? Guys, just start telling your sweetheart “You’re my wife. I love you! You make me so happy!” Ladies, just start telling your husband “You’re my husband. I love you! I’m so glad I married you!”

Keep the Tank Full

To have a healthy and happy marriage, it's important to learn how to keep your spouse's love tank full. 

Christian author Gary Chapman, in his book The Five Love Languages writes "...inside your spouse is an ‘emotional tank’ that is waiting to be filled with love. At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and loved by another. And God designed marriage to meet this need for intimacy and love. That being the case, keeping your spouse’s emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Running your marriage on an empty love tank may be even more costly than running your car without oil."

So how do we do it? 

Well, Jesus gives us some insight in Mark 12:29-31 when he said: The most important commandment is this…Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

From these verses it's clear that we're to love God and love others, but what does biblical love look like? Fortunately, God hasn't left us hanging. The Bible lays out at least five ways that God expresses his love for us - and these in turn are the five ways that we are to love each other.

Here are five biblical expressions of love that we'll unpackage in the following posts. 

1. Words of Affirmation
Matthew 3:16-17 says: As soon as Jesus was baptized...a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” God showed Jesus he loved him by speaking kindly to him. 

2. Quality Time
Genesis 3:8-9 reveals that God took time daily to walk and talk with Adam and Eve. God showed Adam and Eve he loved them by spending time with them.

3. Gift Giving
Romans 6:23 says "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." God has shown us how much he loves us by giving us the gift of eternal life (through faith in his Son Jesus).

4. Acts of Service
John 13:4-5 says, "Jesus took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." Jesus showed his love for his disciples by serving them, and then instructed them to follow his example.

5. Physical Touch
In Mark 10:16 Jesus took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them. When Jesus' disciples assumed Jesus was too important to bother with children, Jesus showed his love for the children with appropriate, loving touch. 

These are five ways that God loves us and five great ways that we can express love to our spouse.

Identify Your Spouse's Positive Characteristics

God's Word gives us five steps to cultivating a winning attitude in marriage (and in life). Here's step two:

2. Identify your spouse’s positive characteristics 

Take a look with me at 2 Peter 3:1, “Dear friends, this is now my second letter to you. I have written both of them as reminders to stimulate you to wholesome thinking.” You see, it goes totally against our sinful nature to be positive and focus on the good - which is why the apostle Peter wrote to stimulate wholesome thinking. This blog post is my attempt to stimulate wholesome thinking about your spouse. It doesn’t come natural so we’ve got to work on it. How do we do that?

The answer is found in Philippians 4:8 which says “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”  

Below is a link to a worksheet based off Philippians 4:8 that will help you identify your spouse's positive character qualities. Regardless of whether your marriage is in a good or bad season,  go ahead and fill this out. Ask God to bring to your mind all the positive things about your spouse, and then write them down. If you can’t think of anything, then enlist the help of your children (if you have any). Say to them: Would you tell me the things you like about your father/mother, the things you appreciate and admire? This will help you to identify your spouse’s positive character qualities AND will help stimulate wholesome thinking about your spouse (instead of negative thinking).

Click here to view/download the worksheet.

Acknowledge My Negative Thinking

God's Word gives us five steps to cultivating a winning attitude in marriage (and in life). Here's step one:

1. Acknowledge my negative thinking

If we want our marriage to be healthy, we must recognize that our negative thinking must change. You see, our thinking guides our behavior. If we think negatively, we’ll behave in destructive ways. But if we think positively, our actions will be positive as well. As Proverbs 23:7 says “...for as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he...”

We are never more negative than when we complain. But Philippians 2:14 says “Do everything without complaining...” And notice the context. Philippians 2:5 says “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” Then a couple verses later it says “Do everything without complaining.” That is, Jesus wasn’t a complainer so neither should we be!

How do you know if you’re a complainer? Well, when you get arrive home from work and your spouse says "How was work?" what does that sound like? When you and your spouse leave a friends house, what does it sound like in the car on the way home? When you report on how the day went with the kids, what does that sound like? 

I had a friend growing up that was always complaining about something. We crossed paths once or twice a week and I’d ask “How’s it going?” but I quickly learned that was the wrong question to be asking. The response was always a complaint about how bad things were. It was so depressing. So when I saw this person I started just saying “Hey” to avoid the flood of complaining that would come if I asked “How’s it going?” (So if you’re spouse says “Hey” instead of “How’s it going?” watch out! You might be a complainer! ;)

Isn’t it true that no one wants to be around a complainer? Well this is true in marriage too. This is why Solomon wrote in Proverbs 21:19, “It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.” This is true of a complaining husband as well. So if your spouse seems to prefer solitude over your company, it might be because you’re a negative person who is always complaining.

You know - the truth is that there’s good and bad in just about every situation. And as a discipline we’ve got to train ourselves to focus on the good. Let me illustrate how I do this with my staff...

Each Monday morning the staff at New Day meet to evaluate Sunday. We ask four questions: What went right? What went wrong? What was missing? What was confusing? And the reason I set the meeting up to begin with “What went right?” is because I want my staff to learn to focus on the good.

And this is what we need to discipline ourselves to do in marriage. We’ve got to learn to look first to what’s right in our spouse, not what’s wrong. Isn't that what we want our spouse to do for us? 

User Friendly Marriage Assessment

The Bible speaks of a number of different kinds of seasons. 

1. The Bible speaks of agricultural seasons

• Genesis 31:10, breeding season 
• Exodus 34:21, plowing season 
• Numbers 13:20, grape season 
• Mark 11:13, fig season 
• Proverbs 20:4, harvest season 

2. The Bible speaks of different kinds of weather seasons 

• Ezra 10:13, rainy season 
• Job 6:17, dry season
• Psalm 148:8, seasons for lightning and hail, snow and clouds, stormy winds, and the like 

3. The Bible speaks of calendar-based seasons 

• Psalm 104:19, He made the moon to mark the seasons 
• That’s spring, summer, autumn and winter - the calendar-based seasons 

4. The Bible says there’s a season for everything

• Ecclesiastes 3:1, For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 
• Now, “everything” includes marriage. 
• So the Bible teaches there are seasons of marriage.  

And I love how Christian author Dr. Gary Chapman (a New York Times Bestselling author) describes these seasons in his book The 4 Seasons of Marriage. Let me explain each of these to you briefly…

1. Spring 

Couples in the spring season of marriage feel exited, happy and hopeful regarding their future. This is not as good as summer, but spring is the prelude to summer, so this is a good place to be. The attitudes of couples in spring are characterized by optimism, gratitude, love and trust. In this season the couple nurtures the relationship by investing in it, planting seeds from which they hope to reap a harvest of happiness. So in this season the couple is reading books on marriage, attending seminars on marriage, etc. They know that investing in the relationship now will pay off in big ways later. Galatians 6:9 is a favorite Bible verse for those in spring. It says , “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” 

2. Summer

Couples in the summer season of marriage feel happy, satisfied and connected. This is the ideal season of marriage to live in. No couple ever lives here permanently, but the goal of each marriage is to live here as much as possible. The attitudes of couples in summer are characterized by trust. In this season the couple has a growing sense of togetherness. They resolve conflicts and enjoy a great deal of satisfaction from how far they’ve come as a couple. Couples in the summer season have come to learn the benefits of being married and are enjoying those benefits to the max. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 describes these benefits stating, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

3. Fall

Couples in the fall season of marriage feel fear and apprehension about the future because they know something isn’t right in the relationship. Their attitudes are characterized by concern and uncertainty about the future of the relationship. In this season the couple is drifting apart and disengaging. They sense that something is happening, but they’re not sure what. In this season the couple disengages emotionally and each partner begins to feel a sense of detachment. Couples get in the fall season by neglecting the marriage. And as Ecclesiastes 10:18 says, “Laziness leads to a sagging roof; idleness leads to a leaky house.” In other words, if you neglect your house, in time, it will begin to fall apart. The same is true of your marriage. You can’t neglect it and expect it to thrive. You have to work at it - like those in the spring season are doing.

4. Winter

Couples in the winter season of marriage feel hurt, angry, disappointed, lonely, and rejected. This is of course is the worst season to be in. The attitudes of couples in the winter season are characterized by negativity, discouragement, frustration and hopelessness. In this season the relationship is detached and cold. There is no sense of togetherness. This is not where you want to be! This is not where God wants you to be! In Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Marriage was God’s solution to loneliness, so when you’re marriage yet lonely, with no sense of togetherness - you’re missing what God intended marriage to be!

What season of marriage do you find yourself in today? What are one or two practical steps you could take to point your marriage in the direction of the season you want to be in? 

Save for the Future

In Proverbs and Ecclesiastes Solomon lays out God's Four Foundations of Financial Freedom. The second one is found in Proverbs 21:20, "The wise man saves for the future, but the foolish man spends whatever he gets." 

Solomon, the wisest and wealthiest man of his time, says here: You want to be in debt? Make it a habit to live paycheck to paycheck. When money comes in just spend all of it, not saving anything - and you’ll be in debt in no time at all. Why is this the case? Why does NOT saving lead to debt? Because if we don’t save when things are good, we’ll never be ready for when things go bad. We all know that the car is going to need a repair, the AC unit is going to break, and the baby bill is going to be $1,000 or more.

When times are good we need to be saving for the things we know we’re going to need in the future. If we don’t, we’ll end up in debt because when the AC unit breaks, we won’t have the money to replace it, so we’ll have to put it on the credit card or take a loan out from the bank. And that’s a problem because then you’ll pay crazy amounts of interest, which means you’ll pay more for the item than it’s worth, which will only exacerbate your debt dilemma.

So Solomon says: Don’t be foolish! Save for the future. In another verse, Proverbs 6:6-8 Solomon says, “Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones. Learn from their ways and become wise! Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work, they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter.” What would happen if the ant didn’t prepare for the winter he knew was coming? He or she would be in trouble, right? That would spell disaster for the ant, right? Well, in the same way, if we don’t prepare financially for expenses we know are coming, we’re going to be in trouble. To not save is to invite financial disaster. It’s how you will most certainly end up in debt. Solomon’s saying: Even an ant with such a tiny brain realizes the need to save - how much more so should we!!!

Why don't we save? Well, we have a heart issue. Our culture calls it “keeping up with the Joneses”. The Bible calls it “envy”. We look around on Facebook and Instagram and see what other people have and we think, “I want that!” so we go after it and try to get it too. We spend every bit of what we could be saving to keep up with our friends and neighbors and co-workers. This is what some call “The Envy Monster”. The envy monster stalks everywhere, never satisfied, always craving more of what other people have. In malls, neighborhoods, schools and offices people compare themselves with others and invariably fall short. But can I tell you the truth about the people you’re envying? They are in more debt than you! The “Joneses” are on the verge of declaring bankruptcy! We’ve got to stop envying others if we’re ever going to start saving.

Listen to me - the more you have the more it costs. Envying others and then trying to get what they have will always lead you closer to debt (or deeper into debt) because the more you have the more it costs. The more you have the more it costs in insurance. The more it costs to maintain it. The more it costs of your time to use it and care for it. So stop envying “the Joneses”. If anything, you should pity them, for God says they’re fools for not saving.

Did you know God measures how wise we are in part by how much we save? The verse we read earlier said “The wise man saves for the future.” So in God’s eyes, how wise are we? The statistics show that we need to grow and make some drastic changes in this area. I read this week that…

• The average family in Japan saves about 20% of their income. 
• The average family in Europe saves about 18% of their income. 
• In America the average family saves nothing. 

In fact, 55% are living paycheck to paycheck. One third don’t even have a savings account. And the average American household is now spending 136% of their household income. That is, for every dollar they make, the average American spends $1.36. This is why the average balance on peoples credit cards is almost $15,000 (and rising).

We’ve got to make the decision today to be wise by God’s standards. Culture says “Spend it. You deserve it!” God says “Save it! If you can’t afford it don’t buy it!” Who are you going to listen to? Culture or God? If you’ve been doing it culture’s way and you’re in a financial mess, maybe today is the day to start doing your finances God’s way. Just a thought.

Plan Your Spending

In Proverbs & Ecclesiastes Solomon lays out God's Four Foundations of Financial Freedom. The first one is found in Proverbs 21:5, which says "Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty."

Solomon, one of the wisest and wealthiest men to ever have lived, says here that financial planning = prosperity. Not planning = poverty. If Solomon lived today he might say: Financial planning helps you to stay in the black. If you don’t plan you will surely find yourself in the red.

What Solomon called planning, we (today) call budgeting. I know some of you think budget is a curse word - I assure you it’s not. A budget by definition is planned spending. And the purpose of a budget is to tell your money where to go so you don’t have to wonder where it went. Some say “money talks”. No it doesn’t! It just walks away quietly. But a budget will prevent this from happening.

Now from the Bible we learn three areas we need to budget for.

1. We need to budget our giving: When we get paid we need to budget the first 10% for God. The Bible calls this the tithe and we’ll talk about it more later in the message. 
2. We need to budget our savings: After you pay God, you need to pay yourself. How much? Experts in the field recommend 10%. So you give God 10%, then you save 10%. 
3. We need to budget our spending: After you pay God and pay yourself, you use the rest wisely - being a good steward of however much God has entrusted you with. 

Solomon says: If you plan (or budget) your money this way, it will lead to prosperity, not poverty.

If you don’t have a budget, you’re either already in debt or are headed there. Here’s why: Our yearnings will always exceed our earnings. And without a budget we’ll say “yes” too often, which in time leads to debt. The value of a budget is that it informs us when to say “yes” and when to say “no”. For example…

• When considering how much to spend when purchasing a home you ask yourself: After budgeting 10% for God and 10% for savings, can I afford this home? Your budget will tell you “yes” or “no”. 
• Or when considering how much to spend when purchasing a car you ask yourself: After budgeting 10% for God and 10% for savings, can I afford this car? Your budget will tell you “yes” or “no”.
• You might want the latest and greatest iPhone 5s for $400, but your budget might inform you that you need to get the iPhone 5c, which only costs $50 at Target right now. 
• You might see something at the mall that you want and be tempted to make an impulse purchase - but budgeting will help curb impulse purchases. Impulse buying is based on emotion, not what you have in the bank. A budget protects us from this. When your emotions say “I want it and have to have it right now!” your budget can calmly state “No. You can’t afford it. Don’t buy it.” 

Now even though we all ought to be using a budget, most of us don’t because we don’t like anyone or anything telling us “no”. We live in a culture that says “You deserve it - even if you can’t afford it.” And it’s because of this unbiblical mentality that as individuals and a nation we are steeped in debt. But each of us has to decide: Will we live by what culture says or by what God says? God tells us, through Solomon, that good planning (budgeting) leads to prosperity, while failing to budget leads to debt.