God's Word gives us five steps to cultivating a winning attitude in marriage (and in life). Here's step one:
1. Acknowledge my negative thinking
If we want our marriage to be healthy, we must recognize that our negative thinking must change. You see, our thinking guides our behavior. If we think negatively, we’ll behave in destructive ways. But if we think positively, our actions will be positive as well. As Proverbs 23:7 says “...for as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he...”
1. Acknowledge my negative thinking
If we want our marriage to be healthy, we must recognize that our negative thinking must change. You see, our thinking guides our behavior. If we think negatively, we’ll behave in destructive ways. But if we think positively, our actions will be positive as well. As Proverbs 23:7 says “...for as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he...”
We are never more negative than when we complain. But Philippians 2:14 says “Do everything without complaining...” And notice the context. Philippians 2:5 says “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” Then a couple verses later it says “Do everything without complaining.” That is, Jesus wasn’t a complainer so neither should we be!
How do you know if you’re a complainer? Well, when you get arrive home from work and your spouse says "How was work?" what does that sound like? When you and your spouse leave a friends house, what does it sound like in the car on the way home? When you report on how the day went with the kids, what does that sound like?
I had a friend growing up that was always complaining about something. We crossed paths once or twice a week and I’d ask “How’s it going?” but I quickly learned that was the wrong question to be asking. The response was always a complaint about how bad things were. It was so depressing. So when I saw this person I started just saying “Hey” to avoid the flood of complaining that would come if I asked “How’s it going?” (So if you’re spouse says “Hey” instead of “How’s it going?” watch out! You might be a complainer! ;)
Isn’t it true that no one wants to be around a complainer? Well this is true in marriage too. This is why Solomon wrote in Proverbs 21:19, “It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.” This is true of a complaining husband as well. So if your spouse seems to prefer solitude over your company, it might be because you’re a negative person who is always complaining.
You know - the truth is that there’s good and bad in just about every situation. And as a discipline we’ve got to train ourselves to focus on the good. Let me illustrate how I do this with my staff...
Each Monday morning the staff at New Day meet to evaluate Sunday. We ask four questions: What went right? What went wrong? What was missing? What was confusing? And the reason I set the meeting up to begin with “What went right?” is because I want my staff to learn to focus on the good.
And this is what we need to discipline ourselves to do in marriage. We’ve got to learn to look first to what’s right in our spouse, not what’s wrong. Isn't that what we want our spouse to do for us?
How do you know if you’re a complainer? Well, when you get arrive home from work and your spouse says "How was work?" what does that sound like? When you and your spouse leave a friends house, what does it sound like in the car on the way home? When you report on how the day went with the kids, what does that sound like?
I had a friend growing up that was always complaining about something. We crossed paths once or twice a week and I’d ask “How’s it going?” but I quickly learned that was the wrong question to be asking. The response was always a complaint about how bad things were. It was so depressing. So when I saw this person I started just saying “Hey” to avoid the flood of complaining that would come if I asked “How’s it going?” (So if you’re spouse says “Hey” instead of “How’s it going?” watch out! You might be a complainer! ;)
Isn’t it true that no one wants to be around a complainer? Well this is true in marriage too. This is why Solomon wrote in Proverbs 21:19, “It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.” This is true of a complaining husband as well. So if your spouse seems to prefer solitude over your company, it might be because you’re a negative person who is always complaining.
You know - the truth is that there’s good and bad in just about every situation. And as a discipline we’ve got to train ourselves to focus on the good. Let me illustrate how I do this with my staff...
Each Monday morning the staff at New Day meet to evaluate Sunday. We ask four questions: What went right? What went wrong? What was missing? What was confusing? And the reason I set the meeting up to begin with “What went right?” is because I want my staff to learn to focus on the good.
And this is what we need to discipline ourselves to do in marriage. We’ve got to learn to look first to what’s right in our spouse, not what’s wrong. Isn't that what we want our spouse to do for us?
You're young and haven't been a lead pastor for long so I'll cut you some slack, but I think you might be headed for trouble with this one. May I give you some advice? If the answer is “yes,” keep reading. If the answer is “no,” delete this immediately.
ReplyDeleteRather than present a dichotomy of choosing between focusing on the positive or focusing on the negative, why not try encouraging people to focus on the truth? You know you need to pay attention to both negative and positive things which are true in your staff meetings. Try having them look at the positive first as a form of encouragement, before tackling the negative. This isn't splitting hairs, it's an important distinction.
Jesus declared himself to be the truth, and says the truth shall set us free. Amen! So when we encounter “negative” people, we need to exercise discernment, not avoidance. Are they having a hard time because of recent circumstances? Have they had difficult lives? Are they in pain/grieving? Or are they merely grumbling and complaining, perpetually problem oriented rather than solution oriented?
If we read God's description of the shepherds who devour the sheep in Ezekiel 34, we can hear his description of what he wanted them to be doing instead. I'll let you read it yourself in verses 3-4. These are not sheep with “positive” characteristics. But it's the job of Jesus' disciples everywhere to reflect God's heart toward these people, perhaps most especially the job of shepherds.
I used to know a couple who worked as ministers to college students in a church. They sneeringly referred to certain people as “VNP”s.--“Very Needy Persons.” When I heard them talking like that, guess what happened? I immediately stopped trusting them. They behaved as if being two-faced were the height of good manners, and it was clear they did not care. God's name was on their lips, but He was far from their hearts. It's okay not to know how to help someone. Not wanting to help is another issue altogether, with mockery and contempt being invitations for divine discipline. We must desire to learn what to do, not desire to run away or counsel them to suck it up, have a double espresso, or put on a smile.
I can pick up a copy of Narcissist Today and easily find an article entitled, “Have That One Depressing Friend You Wish Would Stop Calling? How to Eliminate the Debbie Downers from Your Life!” When I pick up the Bible, it's a different story. Daniel and Debbie Downer probably have real problems. And if I grew up in a family where denial was the favored coping mechanism, I'm probably not going to have Christ's heart to minister. We need to honestly assess the way we were treated regarding hardship, and our own habits regarding it in light of the truth, and then point to Jesus when we are with others. Someone who is only interested in complaining will eventually start avoiding you if you are always pointing to the solution.. Those who are desperate for comfort and direction need someone like you who actually knows the way to point Him out to them, and it's fine to do so with healthy boundaries. (A few good resources for explaining Biblical truth and ministering to people with serious problems are From Generation to Generation: A Manual for Healing by Patricia A. Smith, and Unbound by Neal Lozano.)
Be careful of Mr. Searcy's advice. Joel Osteen has a gazillion members at his church, but I wouldn't recommend even my dog visit until he gets his theology right. A Bible teacher once said, “Here's a concise summary of the history of the Church.: Over 2,000 years of trying to find a system so foolproof we don't have to rely on the Holy Spirit.” Rely on Him, Mike. Make prayer the backbone of New Day; make dependence upon Him and listening to Him a priority. Make ministering according to God's heart and pleasing your heavenly Father your absolute goal, regardless of numbers.