Resolving Conflict: Step 5

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step five.

5. Tell the truth tactfully 

Proverbs 12:18 says “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” That is, foolish words hurt and wise words heal. Ephesians 4:15 says “…speak the truth in love…” You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive. Ephesians 4:29 says “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful…” When you say the right thing the wrong way, the right thing you said becomes wrong - and that's not helpful.

I have many mentors (leadership mentors, preaching mentors, marriage mentors, how to be a good father mentor, etc.) and 99% of them are great. But there’s this one that always feels he has to share what he has to share with me harshly. And it’s not that what he’s saying isn’t true - he’s right on, which is why I keep calling - but he doesn’t know how to share the truth tactfully. While I keep calling, he’s the mentor I call the least. I just don’t like the way he talks to me. He’s too harsh.

When we share our frustrations, we should do so tactfully…gently. Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt…” In other words, your speech should be as pleasant to listen to as good seasoned food is to taste. When we violate this verse we come across as attacking the other person and not the problem. This never helps and always hurts so don’t use the tactics of a political ad. In a political ad, they always attack the person, not the policy. This may or may not work in politics, but it certainly doesn’t work in relationships. Attacking someone will never resolve a conflict. So tell the truth tactfully. God says this is step #5 in resolving conflict. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 3

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain.
3. Think before reacting. 
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

In this post we'll look at the third of the four things: Think before reacting.

When one of your crazymaker's starts pushing your buttons and you begin to feel irritated or angry - think before reacting. Proverbs 13:16 says, “Wise people think before they act; fools don’t…” In other words, put your mind in gear before you put your mouth in gear. Don’t respond impulsively.

Let me tell you about a time I did not think before reacting. One time in college this girl was irritating me. She kept saying stuff that was bothering me and would then kind of shake her butt at me. Without giving it a second thought I yelled across the yard “Keep shaking that thing - maybe it will shrink!” She immediately burst into tears and I felt horrible. In that situation I was a fool for giving vent to my anger. The Bible says wise people think before they act.

You know what I've learned? I've never put my foot in my mouth when it was closed. We would all be wise to live by James 1:19 which says “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James says the longer you hold your temper the better it gets.

Proverbs 29:11 says, “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” The Hebrew here literally means “he cools it”. That is, he cools his red hot anger. So when you tell someone “chill out” you’re basically just quoting Proverbs 29:11. And that's exactly what we need to do when we're angry. 

So don’t immediately text back! Don’t immediately respond to that email! Don’t immediately make a post to social media (even a vague one)! Sleep on it. Or as the Bible puts it, let your anger cool.

Dealing with Anger: Part 2

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain. 
3. Think before reacting.
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

In this post we'll look at the second of the four things: Look past their hurt to their pain.

When our crazymakers hurt us, it’s so tempting to respond in kind, but God calls us to take the moral high road - to look past their words to their pain. Proverbs 19:11 says it this way, “A wise man restrains his anger and overlooks insults. This is to his credit.” (LB) Now, when you overlook something, you look past it to what’s behind it. So when a crazymaker says or does something hurtful, you look past the unkind word or deed to the real issue. Doing so will help you respond without losing your cool.

For example, I remember when my daughter Ally was in kindergarten, there was this girl in her class that was nasty to everyone, including Ally. As we got to know the family we learned that this little girl’s dad was never around. We explained to Ally that when someone is acting nasty, it’s usually because they are hurting - and that she might be acting nasty because she’s hurt that she never gets to see her daddy. So we told Ally two things:

1. Don’t ever allow her to treat you nasty. Just because she's hurting doesn’t give her the right to treat you like trash. So tell her she’s being nasty and that you don’t appreciate it and that it needs to stop.
2. Don’t be mean back. Instead, have compassion. This girl is hurting because she misses her daddy. The last thing she needs is for someone to inflict more hurt and pain into her life by being nasty back. Jesus said “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” He didn’t say “Retaliate!”

It is not our Christian duty to let nasty, mean-spirited people walk all over us. We can and should stand up for ourselves when people and being hurtful. But it is our Christian duty to respond in a God-honoring way. We will be mad when people hurt us, but there's a way to be angry without sinning. As Ephesians 4:26 says, "In your anger, do not sin." How do we do this you ask? We look past their words to their pain. That is, we keep in mind that hurt people hurt people. And in light of this we choose to act compassionately. We will stand up for ourselves when people are being hurtful, but we will not be hurtful back. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 1

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.  
2. Look past their words to their pain.
3. Think before reacting.
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

 In this post we'll look at the first of the four things: Calculate the Cost.

Before you respond with unrighteous anger, calculate what you’re going to lose. You see, you’re less likely to get angry when somebody’s pushing your buttons if you realize there’s always a price tag for unrighteous anger. What's the price tag of unrighteous anger, you ask? Well, the Bible says that when I get anger in an unrighteous way...

1. I’m going to stir up conflict. Proverbs 29:22a says, "An angry person stirs up conflict..." 
2. I’m going to sin. Proverbs 29:22b, "...a hot-tempered person commits many sins." 
3. I’m going to make mistakes. Proverbs 14:29, A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes. 
4. I’m going to do something foolish that later I will regret. Proverbs 14:17, A quick-tempered person does foolish things…

For example, back in 1978 there was a famous college football coach named Woody Hayes. He coached Ohio State for 28 seasons, winning five national championships and 13 Big Ten Conference titles. But despite his great achievements, his coaching career ended abruptly when he was fired after punching an opposing player that caught an interception during the 1978 Gator Bowl. The video is on youtube. Ohio’s quarterback throws the ball. The other team intercepts. Ohio tackles the guy who caught the interception. The coach runs over to the guy who caught the interception, helps him up, and then punches him in the throat. It was crazy. And then he was fired.

The Bible says I always lose when I lose my temper.  So the next time one of your crazymakers starts pushing your buttons, just ask yourself...

1. Is it worth it to risk losing respect? 
2. Is it worth it to risk losing the love of my family? 
3. Is it worth it to risk losing my job? 
4. Is it worth it to risk making matters worse? 

If we keep in mind that our unrighteous anger always has a high price tag, we will be much more likely to respond in a God-honoring way when our crazymakers make us angry. 

Acknowledge My Negative Thinking

God's Word gives us five steps to cultivating a winning attitude in marriage (and in life). Here's step one:

1. Acknowledge my negative thinking

If we want our marriage to be healthy, we must recognize that our negative thinking must change. You see, our thinking guides our behavior. If we think negatively, we’ll behave in destructive ways. But if we think positively, our actions will be positive as well. As Proverbs 23:7 says “...for as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he...”

We are never more negative than when we complain. But Philippians 2:14 says “Do everything without complaining...” And notice the context. Philippians 2:5 says “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” Then a couple verses later it says “Do everything without complaining.” That is, Jesus wasn’t a complainer so neither should we be!

How do you know if you’re a complainer? Well, when you get arrive home from work and your spouse says "How was work?" what does that sound like? When you and your spouse leave a friends house, what does it sound like in the car on the way home? When you report on how the day went with the kids, what does that sound like? 

I had a friend growing up that was always complaining about something. We crossed paths once or twice a week and I’d ask “How’s it going?” but I quickly learned that was the wrong question to be asking. The response was always a complaint about how bad things were. It was so depressing. So when I saw this person I started just saying “Hey” to avoid the flood of complaining that would come if I asked “How’s it going?” (So if you’re spouse says “Hey” instead of “How’s it going?” watch out! You might be a complainer! ;)

Isn’t it true that no one wants to be around a complainer? Well this is true in marriage too. This is why Solomon wrote in Proverbs 21:19, “It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.” This is true of a complaining husband as well. So if your spouse seems to prefer solitude over your company, it might be because you’re a negative person who is always complaining.

You know - the truth is that there’s good and bad in just about every situation. And as a discipline we’ve got to train ourselves to focus on the good. Let me illustrate how I do this with my staff...

Each Monday morning the staff at New Day meet to evaluate Sunday. We ask four questions: What went right? What went wrong? What was missing? What was confusing? And the reason I set the meeting up to begin with “What went right?” is because I want my staff to learn to focus on the good.

And this is what we need to discipline ourselves to do in marriage. We’ve got to learn to look first to what’s right in our spouse, not what’s wrong. Isn't that what we want our spouse to do for us? 

Save for the Future

In Proverbs and Ecclesiastes Solomon lays out God's Four Foundations of Financial Freedom. The second one is found in Proverbs 21:20, "The wise man saves for the future, but the foolish man spends whatever he gets." 

Solomon, the wisest and wealthiest man of his time, says here: You want to be in debt? Make it a habit to live paycheck to paycheck. When money comes in just spend all of it, not saving anything - and you’ll be in debt in no time at all. Why is this the case? Why does NOT saving lead to debt? Because if we don’t save when things are good, we’ll never be ready for when things go bad. We all know that the car is going to need a repair, the AC unit is going to break, and the baby bill is going to be $1,000 or more.

When times are good we need to be saving for the things we know we’re going to need in the future. If we don’t, we’ll end up in debt because when the AC unit breaks, we won’t have the money to replace it, so we’ll have to put it on the credit card or take a loan out from the bank. And that’s a problem because then you’ll pay crazy amounts of interest, which means you’ll pay more for the item than it’s worth, which will only exacerbate your debt dilemma.

So Solomon says: Don’t be foolish! Save for the future. In another verse, Proverbs 6:6-8 Solomon says, “Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones. Learn from their ways and become wise! Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work, they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter.” What would happen if the ant didn’t prepare for the winter he knew was coming? He or she would be in trouble, right? That would spell disaster for the ant, right? Well, in the same way, if we don’t prepare financially for expenses we know are coming, we’re going to be in trouble. To not save is to invite financial disaster. It’s how you will most certainly end up in debt. Solomon’s saying: Even an ant with such a tiny brain realizes the need to save - how much more so should we!!!

Why don't we save? Well, we have a heart issue. Our culture calls it “keeping up with the Joneses”. The Bible calls it “envy”. We look around on Facebook and Instagram and see what other people have and we think, “I want that!” so we go after it and try to get it too. We spend every bit of what we could be saving to keep up with our friends and neighbors and co-workers. This is what some call “The Envy Monster”. The envy monster stalks everywhere, never satisfied, always craving more of what other people have. In malls, neighborhoods, schools and offices people compare themselves with others and invariably fall short. But can I tell you the truth about the people you’re envying? They are in more debt than you! The “Joneses” are on the verge of declaring bankruptcy! We’ve got to stop envying others if we’re ever going to start saving.

Listen to me - the more you have the more it costs. Envying others and then trying to get what they have will always lead you closer to debt (or deeper into debt) because the more you have the more it costs. The more you have the more it costs in insurance. The more it costs to maintain it. The more it costs of your time to use it and care for it. So stop envying “the Joneses”. If anything, you should pity them, for God says they’re fools for not saving.

Did you know God measures how wise we are in part by how much we save? The verse we read earlier said “The wise man saves for the future.” So in God’s eyes, how wise are we? The statistics show that we need to grow and make some drastic changes in this area. I read this week that…

• The average family in Japan saves about 20% of their income. 
• The average family in Europe saves about 18% of their income. 
• In America the average family saves nothing. 

In fact, 55% are living paycheck to paycheck. One third don’t even have a savings account. And the average American household is now spending 136% of their household income. That is, for every dollar they make, the average American spends $1.36. This is why the average balance on peoples credit cards is almost $15,000 (and rising).

We’ve got to make the decision today to be wise by God’s standards. Culture says “Spend it. You deserve it!” God says “Save it! If you can’t afford it don’t buy it!” Who are you going to listen to? Culture or God? If you’ve been doing it culture’s way and you’re in a financial mess, maybe today is the day to start doing your finances God’s way. Just a thought.

Plan Your Spending

In Proverbs & Ecclesiastes Solomon lays out God's Four Foundations of Financial Freedom. The first one is found in Proverbs 21:5, which says "Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty."

Solomon, one of the wisest and wealthiest men to ever have lived, says here that financial planning = prosperity. Not planning = poverty. If Solomon lived today he might say: Financial planning helps you to stay in the black. If you don’t plan you will surely find yourself in the red.

What Solomon called planning, we (today) call budgeting. I know some of you think budget is a curse word - I assure you it’s not. A budget by definition is planned spending. And the purpose of a budget is to tell your money where to go so you don’t have to wonder where it went. Some say “money talks”. No it doesn’t! It just walks away quietly. But a budget will prevent this from happening.

Now from the Bible we learn three areas we need to budget for.

1. We need to budget our giving: When we get paid we need to budget the first 10% for God. The Bible calls this the tithe and we’ll talk about it more later in the message. 
2. We need to budget our savings: After you pay God, you need to pay yourself. How much? Experts in the field recommend 10%. So you give God 10%, then you save 10%. 
3. We need to budget our spending: After you pay God and pay yourself, you use the rest wisely - being a good steward of however much God has entrusted you with. 

Solomon says: If you plan (or budget) your money this way, it will lead to prosperity, not poverty.

If you don’t have a budget, you’re either already in debt or are headed there. Here’s why: Our yearnings will always exceed our earnings. And without a budget we’ll say “yes” too often, which in time leads to debt. The value of a budget is that it informs us when to say “yes” and when to say “no”. For example…

• When considering how much to spend when purchasing a home you ask yourself: After budgeting 10% for God and 10% for savings, can I afford this home? Your budget will tell you “yes” or “no”. 
• Or when considering how much to spend when purchasing a car you ask yourself: After budgeting 10% for God and 10% for savings, can I afford this car? Your budget will tell you “yes” or “no”.
• You might want the latest and greatest iPhone 5s for $400, but your budget might inform you that you need to get the iPhone 5c, which only costs $50 at Target right now. 
• You might see something at the mall that you want and be tempted to make an impulse purchase - but budgeting will help curb impulse purchases. Impulse buying is based on emotion, not what you have in the bank. A budget protects us from this. When your emotions say “I want it and have to have it right now!” your budget can calmly state “No. You can’t afford it. Don’t buy it.” 

Now even though we all ought to be using a budget, most of us don’t because we don’t like anyone or anything telling us “no”. We live in a culture that says “You deserve it - even if you can’t afford it.” And it’s because of this unbiblical mentality that as individuals and a nation we are steeped in debt. But each of us has to decide: Will we live by what culture says or by what God says? God tells us, through Solomon, that good planning (budgeting) leads to prosperity, while failing to budget leads to debt.

Three Rules for Building Wealth

Today we watched an excellent video message by founding and lead pastor of Lifechurch.tv Craig Groeschel on saving and investing. Here's his three rules of investing wisely:

1. Don't invest in things you don't understand. Proverbs 24:3-4 says "By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures." NIV

2. Don't put all your eggs into one basket. Ecclesiastes 11:2 says "Invest in seven ventures, yes, in eight; you do not know what disaster may come upon the land." NIV

3. Don't try to get rich quick. Proverbs 13:11 says "Wealth from get-rich-quick schemes quickly disappears; wealth from hard work grows over time." NLT

Read any book on investing and it will only tell you exactly what the Bible has said all along! And remember: You don't benefit from the parts of Scripture you read, only the ones you apply!

Recommended Resource: Wealth to Last by Larry Burkett and Ron Blue

In the House of the Wise

Proverbs 21:20 says "In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil. But the fool devours everything he has." Today we'd call devouring everything we have "living paycheck to paycheck." Here's the danger in doing that. If we have no reserves we'll be unprepared for when emergencies arise.

Let me be transparent. This past April (2013) when I talked with my tax guy, I found out he had estimated what tax I would owe based on someone else's salary! Long story short, I had $15,000 of income that hadn't been taxed!!! So I unexpectedly had to catch up on over $1,600 of federal and state tax. About the same time this happened I had another unexpected bill that set me back another $2,000!!! Then last month (May) just as it started heating up, the condenser unit for my AC blew up! Replacing it cost another $2,800!!! Let's do some math real quick...

    $1,600
    $2,000
+  $2,800
    $6,400 of unexpected expenses!!!

If I was living paycheck to paycheck this would've been disastrous!!! But thank God, Kristin and I had some reserves and paid for everything cash. No debt. No credit cards (we don't have any). We paid cash. The Bible is clear: We're to live below our means so we can build reserves for 1) emergencies, 2) purchases and 3) the future. 

Debt is the opposite of reserves. When we live below our means we have reserves. When we live above our means, we have debt. Are you living below your means or above? Don't be like the average American who spends $1.36 for every dollar he/she earns. What baby step can you take today to begin growing your reserves? 

Recommended resource: The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. I'd also recommend you listen to our Financial Fitness teaching series online at www.newdaychurch.cc/financialfitness