Resolving Conflict: Step 6

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step six.

6. Fix the problem, not the blame 

Determining who’s to blame is not the goal of conflict resolution. It’s almost always both peoples fault, so stop working so hard to figure out who is guilty. YOU are! And THEY are! Once you get that figured out you can free up some energy and time to work on the problem.

Have you ever been in an argument (with your spouse or whoever) and tried to blame the whole thing on them? I have. I’ve done it a ton! And guess what? It’s never worked! Not even one time! In every single situation, in the end, I’ve ended up admitting that I had a part in the conflict. Why? Well, cause it’s true!

A conflict is never further from ending when one person is trying to blame another person entirely. So don’t do that. Now here’s something you may not have thought of…Blaming is a form of judging. When you blame someone else you’re putting yourself in the position of judge - which is God’s job. This is why the Bible says in Romans 14:13, “…let us stop passing judgment on one another.” In relationships, it’s bad to pass gas and to pass judgment. It’s God’s job to judge, so we need to stop assigning blame. It doesn’t bring us closer to resolution, it actually moves us further away. 

Resolving Conflict: Step 5

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step five.

5. Tell the truth tactfully 

Proverbs 12:18 says “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” That is, foolish words hurt and wise words heal. Ephesians 4:15 says “…speak the truth in love…” You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive. Ephesians 4:29 says “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful…” When you say the right thing the wrong way, the right thing you said becomes wrong - and that's not helpful.

I have many mentors (leadership mentors, preaching mentors, marriage mentors, how to be a good father mentor, etc.) and 99% of them are great. But there’s this one that always feels he has to share what he has to share with me harshly. And it’s not that what he’s saying isn’t true - he’s right on, which is why I keep calling - but he doesn’t know how to share the truth tactfully. While I keep calling, he’s the mentor I call the least. I just don’t like the way he talks to me. He’s too harsh.

When we share our frustrations, we should do so tactfully…gently. Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt…” In other words, your speech should be as pleasant to listen to as good seasoned food is to taste. When we violate this verse we come across as attacking the other person and not the problem. This never helps and always hurts so don’t use the tactics of a political ad. In a political ad, they always attack the person, not the policy. This may or may not work in politics, but it certainly doesn’t work in relationships. Attacking someone will never resolve a conflict. So tell the truth tactfully. God says this is step #5 in resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 4

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step four.

4. Consider their perspective 

Everybody has their own “normal” and if you act in a way contrary to someone’s “normal”, it can cause conflict. For example, in my family it’s always been normal to have quick phone conversations. We don’t get on the phone and have 10 minutes of chit chat (How are you doing? How’s your health? How’s your life, How’s the kids, etc). We get on the phone, we ask what we need to ask, then we get off the phone. A thirty second phone call in my family is no big deal. When I met and married Kristin I learned that not everyone has thirty second phone conversations. “Normal” for her growing up was to chit chat for 15 minutes before getting around to what you called for. I was always amazed when Kristin took 30 minutes to ask a family member what time we were meeting for breakfast. But for her that was normal.

So conflict ensued in the early years of our marriage. But things got better as we learned to consider the other person’s perspective. I came to learn that if I was talking with her family a thirty second phone call was considered rude. She learned that if she was calling my family a fifteen minute call just to ask for someone’s phone number was unnecessary. Now I still can’t do a fifteen minute call  just to ask a simple question and Kristin's still uncomfortable with a thirty second phone call. But we’ve both adjusted our natural approach to keep in mind the other person’s “normal” so we can have peace in our relationship. And we just celebrated ten years of marriage last month so I’m pretty sure things have gotten better!

When you have a conflict, try to understand the perspective of the other person. You might be violating their “normal” without even realizing it. Philippians 2:4-5 says “Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others.” This is God's step four to resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 3

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step three.

3. Listen for the hurt 

Where there is conflict there is hurt. So one of your goals when trying to resolve conflict ought to be to discover the hurt. The apostle James tells us how: James 1:19 says in The Message paraphrase “Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue…” Most of the time when someone acts irritable towards us, we respond in kind. God says that’s the wrong response. Instead we should listen for the hurt. Listening leads to understanding. Understanding leads to resolution. And resolution leads to peace. This is God's step three in resolving conflict.