Resolving Conflict: Part 2

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step two.

2. Confess my part first 

We naturally want to begin with condemning, accusing, blaming or attacking the other person. But God says there’s a better way, which is to confess our part first. This is what Jesus was getting at in Matthew 7:3-5 when he says we should take the plank out of our own eye before pointing out a speck of sawdust in someone else's eye. Even if the other party is 99% wrong and you are only 1% wrong, confess your part first. When you start with them, they get defensive. When you start with you, they let down their guard. 

So here's a couple questions you can ask yourself to help you discover your part in the conflict...

• Ask yourself: Have I been unrealistic with my expectations? 
• Ask yourself: Have I been ungrateful? 
• Ask yourself: Have I been too demanding? 
• Guys, ask yourself: Have I been harsh? 
• Ladies, ask yourself: Have I been disrespectful? 
• Guys, ask yourself: Have I been insensitive? 
• Ladies, ask yourself: Have I been too sensitive?

God says things go best when we confess our part first. It's His second step in resolving conflict. 

Resolving Conflict: Part 1

It isn't realistic to eliminate conflict from our lives. Instead, the goal ought to be to minimize and manage it. Since it's always better to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship I'll be giving six practical steps you can take to resolve conflict. In this post I'll share step one.

1. Take the initiative 

God says to take the initiative, but we usually do the exact opposite.

First, we ignore it. But Jesus says in Matthew 5:25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary…” That means we're to run to conflict! Why do we ignore it? Because we believe the lie “time heals everything.” But this simply isn't true. The truth is that problems only get worse when we ignore them. 

Second, we wait for the other person to come to us. But Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24, “…if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Then he says in Matthew 18:15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault…” To summarize, Jesus says: Whether it’s you upset with them or them upset with you, take the initiative! Why do we wait for the other person to come to us? Because we’re afraid, and when we’re afraid we have a tendency to hide, like Adam did in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:10).

But we need to decide: Do we know best or does God know best? Conflicts are best resolved when we resolve them God's way. So the next time you have a conflict you need to resolve, remind yourself of 2 Timothy 1:7 which says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Then go take the initiative! God's says this is step one in conflict resolution. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 4

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain.
3. Think before reacting.
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters. 

In this post we'll look at the fourth of the four things: Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

Some crazymakers we're able to avoid. But others are neighbors, co-workers or family members that we're going to interact with on a regular basis. When we have such an encounter, we'll do well to pray Psalm 141:3 ahead of time. In Psalm 141:3 the psalmist prays, “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

As a teenager I went to Buckingham palace. And you’ve probably seen the guards that stand by the gates to make sure no one comes in that’s not supposed to. Well, in Psalm 141:3 the psalmist kind of reverses that picture and says - God, be like a guard that prevents anything bad from coming out of the gate of my mouth. In other words - the psalmist is praying that God would prevent him from saying something stupid that would only escalate the conflict or drama and worsen the relationship. What a beautiful word picture! And what a great prayer to pray before a crazymaker encounter.

People are going to irritate us, just like tourists irritate the guards at Buckingham palace. But when we pray Psalm 141:3 we can become like the guards, who don't lose their cool with every little annoyance. So I would encourage you to memorize Psalm 141:3 and to pray it as often as needed. Doing so will better help you keep your cool with your crazymakers. 

Dealing with Anger: Part 3

What do we do when people make us angry? Do we attack back? Do we seek to get even? Do we allow them to walk all over us believing this is our Christian duty? What does the Bible say about dealing with the people in our lives who make us crazy...and angry? Well, the Bible gives us four things we can do to keep our cool with our crazymakers.

1. Calculate the Cost.
2. Look past their hurt to their pain.
3. Think before reacting. 
4. Pray Psalm 141:3 before crazymaker encounters.

In this post we'll look at the third of the four things: Think before reacting.

When one of your crazymaker's starts pushing your buttons and you begin to feel irritated or angry - think before reacting. Proverbs 13:16 says, “Wise people think before they act; fools don’t…” In other words, put your mind in gear before you put your mouth in gear. Don’t respond impulsively.

Let me tell you about a time I did not think before reacting. One time in college this girl was irritating me. She kept saying stuff that was bothering me and would then kind of shake her butt at me. Without giving it a second thought I yelled across the yard “Keep shaking that thing - maybe it will shrink!” She immediately burst into tears and I felt horrible. In that situation I was a fool for giving vent to my anger. The Bible says wise people think before they act.

You know what I've learned? I've never put my foot in my mouth when it was closed. We would all be wise to live by James 1:19 which says “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James says the longer you hold your temper the better it gets.

Proverbs 29:11 says, “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” The Hebrew here literally means “he cools it”. That is, he cools his red hot anger. So when you tell someone “chill out” you’re basically just quoting Proverbs 29:11. And that's exactly what we need to do when we're angry. 

So don’t immediately text back! Don’t immediately respond to that email! Don’t immediately make a post to social media (even a vague one)! Sleep on it. Or as the Bible puts it, let your anger cool.