Physical Touch

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's fifth expression of love.

5. Physical touch 

When the children came to Jesus in Mark 10 the Bible records that "...he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them." When Jesus' disciples assumed Jesus was too important to bother with children, Jesus showed his love for the children with appropriate, loving touch.

Both my sister and brother in law are nurses at Bay State and were telling my wife how they now require mother and baby to have one hour of skin to skin time. They've come to realize how important physical touch is in promoting physical health, so it's now something they require.

Well, it's not just babies that need physical touch. Marriages need it too! Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, snuggling and good ol’ fashioned sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating love to one’s spouse.

Yet sadly, Satan has really got us all mixed up on this point. Before we’re married he works overtime to get us in bed. After we’re married he works overtime to keep us out of bed. He doesn’t mind if we sleep in our pretty secretary’s (or co-worker’s) bed or our neighbor’s spouse’s bed, but he does everything in his power to keep us away from each other. Now there’s more to physical touch than just sex, but sex is certainly an important component of physical touch within a marriage relationship.

While not touching in marriage can be a sign of sickness, appropriate loving touches can bring healing.

• In Matthew 8:1-4 a man with leprosy came to Jesus. Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. Immediately the man was cleansed of his leprosy. 
• In Matthew 8:14-15 Jesus came to Peter’s house and saw Peter’s mother-in-law lying in bed with a fever. He touched her hand and the fever left her, and she got up and began to wait on him. 
• In Matthew 9:27-29 two blind men came to Jesus. Jesus touched their eyes and they were healed. 

Jesus shows us there is healing in physical touch. And for some of you, physical touch is what’s missing and what will bring healing to your marriage. When you make a point to give appropriate, loving touches to your spouse, you take one step closer to God’s ideal for marriage. We read in Genesis 2:24 that God’s ideal for marriage is for a man to leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife and that the two would become one flesh. This speaks of physical intimacy in a marriage.

This might sound unromantic, but if your sex life is suffering because you’re just leaving it up to chance - you may need to put a little reminder on your phone or calendar. This is too important to leave to chance. You probably schedule everything else in your life - why not schedule some time for physical touch? If we’re not intentional about sex, it oftentimes ends up getting squeezed out of our overly busy schedule. Don’t save it for the very last thing on your agenda for the day, you will almost always be “too tired”. Make it a priority. Move it too the top of your to do list, instead of at the bottom once everything else is done. The dinner dishes and the laundry can wait, but intimacy can’t.

Acts of Service

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's fourth expression of love.

4. Acts of Service 

John 13:1-4, "It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end…so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." Through the humble act of washing dirty feet, Jesus showed his love for his disciples, and then instructed them to follow his example.

If we want a happy and healthy marriage we too should follow this example of serving.

At our house Kristin does the laundry, but she absolutely hates it. Now I hate doing laundry too, but I love my wife so I did a couple loads for her while she was out having coffee with her sister. This is an example of a practical act of service.

Andrew, our executive pastor here at New Day, isn’t just a good pastor, he’s also a good husband. And since it’s hard for Kristi to go to the grocery store with four kids, Andrew often takes care of the grocery shopping for her. It’s a practical way he shows his love for Kristi.

Though I grew up in a traditional home where my dad made the proverbial bacon and my mom cooked it, my dad isn't above helping around the house. At Thanksgiving or when we all come over his house to eat, he always does the dishes so that my mom doesn’t have to. It’s a simple, but meaningful way to express love through an act of service.

These are all examples of acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. And if done with a positive attitude, they count as meaningful expressions of love! Jesus wasn’t above showing us love by serving us, so who are we to be above showing love to our spouse by serving them? Why not think of a practical act of service you could do for your spouse today? 

Gift Giving

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's third expression of love.

3. Gift Giving

Romans 6:23 says "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

From these verses we see another way that God expresses his love for us - through gift giving. While gift giving should never replace the gift of time, there is a place for gift giving, because it’s one of the ways that God shows his love for us.

Gift giving means a lot to my wife. In light of this, months before her birthday or Christmas I begin making a list of things I overhear Kristin saying that she wants. The gift means more to her when she hasn’t directly asked for it. She likes it when I pay attention to her and make notes on my own and then surprise her with things she’s mentioned but may not have explicitly asked for. So that’s what I do. And since gifts means so much to her, I set a big budget for her birthday and Christmas presents. Gifts don't mean that much to me (and my favorite gift is actually 100% free) so I can assign most of the money in the budget for gifts to her.

Now why do gifts mean so much? Have you ever thought about that? Well, it's because a gift is a symbol that your spouse was thinking of you. You can’t get someone a gift without thinking about them. And your spouse will probably appreciate the fact that you were thinking about them just as much as (if not more than) the actual gift.

And here’s the good news. You don’t need to spend a ton of money! Even a one dollar gift can speak a million dollars worth of love. With that said, if you have a million dollars you might not want to buy a one dollar gift.

True love gives! The Bible says that God so loved the world that he gave... (John 3:16). There’s just no way around it. At the heart of love is the spirit of giving. So from time to time be sure to express your love for your spouse through the giving of gifts.

Quality Time

Biblically, there are five ways God expresses his love for us. And these are the five ways that we are to express love to our spouse (and others). In this post we'll unpackage God's second expression of love.

2. Quality Time

Genesis 3:8-9 reveals that God took time daily to walk and talk with Adam and Eve. God showed his love to Adam and Eve by daily spending time with them. In the same way, we can communicate love to our spouse by sharing quality time with them.

You see, the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. I John 3:18 says, "Our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action." That is, love is not just something you feel, or just something you say, it’s something you do. In other words, you spell love T-I-M-E.

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time because time is your most precious resource. Your life is made up of seconds, minutes and hours. And when you give someone your time you are giving them a piece of your life. You can get money back, but not your time. That’s why the gift of love expressed through time is the most valuable, precious gift you could ever give.

We all have different energy levels, different amounts of wealth, different amounts of talents and different personalities, but we all have the exact same amount of time. All of us get 168 hours a week. And what we give our time to speaks volumes about what’s truly important to us. If we want to communicate to our spouse that he/she is important to us, we've got to carve out some time in our schedule for them (and not the left overs).

Giving someone your time says “You matter to me.” Giving someone your time says “You are valuable to me.” Giving someone your time says “You are worth listening to.” You’re saying all kinds of things when you give (or withhold) the gift of time.

In Luke 10:38-42 we read the story of Mary and Martha. Jesus has come for a visit. Martha is running around doing all kinds of stuff FOR Jesus, while Mary is content to just be WITH Jesus. Martha gets upset and tells Jesus to tell Mary to help her. But Jesus replies “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! But there is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

From this story we learn this principle: What we do with Jesus is more important than what we do for Jesus. Well, the same is true of our spouse! What we do with them is more important than what we do for them.

The essence of loving relationships is not what we give to each other (i.e. presents/gifts/stuff). The essence of loving relationships is how much we give of ourselves to that person. Our lives. Our time! Gifts are no replacement for time.

Guys - listen up - Some of you are so busy working for your family, that you have no time to spend with your family. But this is no way to live. Your wife and kids don’t need more stuff. They need you! They need you to express your love to them through quality (and quantity) of time. Pastor and author Chuck Swindoll once wrote “Busyness fills the calendar but frustrates the family”, so don’t get caught up in the busyness trap. Take the time to show your love by giving your spouse (and family) quality time.

Be deliberate this week to think about ways to spend some time with your spouse. Remember the things that you used to do while you were dating, the things that brought you together in the first place. Whether it’s taking a walk, going for a hike, going skiing, playing a game or going out to dinner. And be sure to put down your phones and give each other your undivided attention. That just may be the thing your marriage needs to get some of its spark back.